Must Love Hotdogs
by siobhane
Summary: Zell is a nice guy. Maybe too nice. When Selphie and Rinoa set up a secret online dating profile to help him find a girlfriend, Irvine dispenses bad advice, and an unlikely student develops a crush, Zell suddenly finds himself with more prospects than he can handle.
1. Mr Nice Guy

Selphie was crying. Again.

Hyne knew what about, either, but it was the third time that week she had burst into Zell's room, babbling incoherently at him as she flung herself onto his bed. He stifled a yawn and closed the door, wondering what she thought she was doing. It was 3AM, for Hyne's sake. He had to be up in two hours.

"Andthenitoldhimhe'sagreatbigidiot!" Selphie moaned into the pillow. "Hewaslookingatherandnotatmeandi'msomadicouldkillhim!"

"Come again?" he asked.

Either he was really tired or she wasn't speaking the same language.

"IRVINE!" she shrieked. "He was LOOKING at some girl!"

"And?" Zell asked, not getting it.

"HE WAS LOOKING!"

Zell shoved his fingers in his ears and winced.

"I got that part," Zell said. "I just don't get what the big deal is."

"He was LOOKING at her, Zell! And she was so pretty and her boobs are bigger than mine and her skirt was shorter," Selphie said. "You know what that means. He's bored with me, so he's going to upgrade and then I'll be all alone and...and...and...whahaaaaaaaaa!"

Zell pressed a hand over his eyes and sighed as Selphie threw herself back into the pillow, heaving great, loud sobs that were sure to earn him a complaint or two from his neighbors. He really didn't want to have to explain to Squall and Quistis why Selphie was in his room at such an ungodly hour, howling like a crazed banshee.

He perched on the edge of the bed beside Selphie and patted her back, feeling awkward about the whole thing.

"It'll be okay, Seffie," he promised. "Irvine doesn't mean anything by it. He just likes to look."

"Exactly!" Selphie cried as if Zell had agreed with her. "He's only supposed to have eyes for _me_. Not some cafeteria skank!"

Cafeteria skank? Zell wasn't even sure what that meant, but he nodded. Maybe if he agreed with everything she said, she'd leave. After all, he didn't want a repeat of Selphie's last meltdown in his room, which had ended with her passed out on his bed snoring while he wound up on the floor with just a sheet and the pillow with the lumpy stuffing that he didn't like so much.

"Maybe I should wear my skirt shorter," Selphie said, sitting up. "Maybe that would get his attention."

"Seffie, that would get _everyone's_ attention," Zell said, thinking of how many times he'd accidentally seen far too much. Any shorter and all of Garden would know Selphie preferred undies with cactuar, chocobos or moombas on them.

Thinking about that made Zell's face grow warm and he was suddenly very uncomfortable with the fact that Selphie was on his bed. There was a cute girl in his bed. And all he wanted to do was get her out of it so he could go back to sleep. He sort of wondered what that said about him until Selphie suddenly sat up and threw her arms around him, sobbing hysterically again.

Zell had no choice but to hug her and say all the things he was expected to say when Selphie was upset.

 _You'll be fine. Irvine really does love you. You'll be okay. No, your skirt does not need to be an inch shorter. Of course you're not ugly._

He said these things, and kept saying them until Selphie was sound asleep with her head on his shoulder and snoring contentedly in his ear. With a sigh, he eased her back into the pillow, covered her up, and settled down on the floor, even though he had to be up in less than an hour.

He woke up cranky, stiff and tired, but he dressed and headed to the gym for a run, followed by his daily work-out, a long, hot shower and a breakfast of biscuits, gravy and sausage.

"Mornin,'" Irvine drawled and sat down across from him with a tray of pancakes and a big cup of coffee. "Seen Seffie around?"

"Probably still asleep," Zell said. He didn't add, _in my bed,_ though he really wanted to. It might have been satisfying, but it would not be worth all the drama it would cause.

"Tried her room," Irvine said.

"Maybe she's not answering."

"Nah. I've got her spare key card."

"Dunno, man," Zell said, keeping his eyes on his plate.

Irvine yawned and took a long swallow of his coffee.

"She kept me up all night talking some crazy stuff about looking at a girl and boobs and something about a skirt? I don't even know what she's so upset about."

"Yeah?" Zell said, trying to sound interested. "That sucks."

"Women, man. Can't live with 'em, sure as hell can't live without 'em."

"Right on," Zell said.

Irvine stabbed at his pancakes.

"You ask that cute library girl out yet?"

"Nah," Zell said.

"Why not? She's into you," Irvine said.

"How can you tell?"

"I can tell," Irvine said. "But you gotta play it cool. You don't wanna come on too strong with that one. Skittish, you know?"

Zell didn't know. They barely spoke. Sure, the girl said hi to him every time he came into the library, and sometimes they chatted about books or the weather, but that was sort of her job. She had to be nice. And being nice didn't mean she had a crush on him or anything. Did it?

He thought about asking for advice on exactly how he was supposed to ask her out. Zell had never asked a girl on a date, but he was almost nineteen and that was sort of pathetic when he thought about it. Eighteen, and never asked a girl out. Eighteen and had never had a girlfriend. Eighteen and never been kissed, unless he counted all the kisses on the cheek or forehead from Rinoa, Quistis and Selphie. But he had a feeling those didn't count.

Hell, even Squall had a girlfriend. Squall, who had made it his mission to ignore every one and every thing around him. Squall, who had earned himself a reputation for being a colossal dick to any girl who even so much as smiled in his direction. _He_ had a girlfriend.

He had a lot of friends that were girls and they seemed to enjoy his company. Quistis said he was a sweetheart, and Rinoa was constantly telling him he was cute and Selphie was always hugging him. So why was he single? If the girls seemed to like him, that meant he wasn't repulsive or anything.

"Don't be too nice to her," Irvine said, though Zell hadn't asked. "Girls like that? They like a bit of mystery. A bad boy. You gotta play it cool, be kind of vague and dangerous to get their attention."

"What are you saying?" Zell asked. "I'm a rank A SeeD. That's about as bad as they come."

"You're too nice," Irvine said. "Girls don't want a guy they can walk all over. You're a doormat."

"I am not a doormat!"

Irvine lifted an eyebrow.

"You let them cry all over you. You're their dumping ground for bad feelings," Irvine said.

"Selphie cries all over you, too," Zell protested.

"That's different. She's my girl friend," Irvine said. "Don't let a girl cry on you unless you got something going already. Otherwise, you're gonna get stuck in the friend-zone and once you're in the friend-zone, you can never get out."

"Huh."

Zell had never really thought about that. Was he really too nice?

"See, here's the thing, Dincht," Irvine said, leaning forward with a conspiratorial grin. "Girls love a fixer-uper. They love the broken ones. They love _issues_. Brings out their nurturing side, you now. Makes 'em want to take care of you."

"No way," Zell said. "I hear girls complain all the time about how much they hate guys treating them like shit."

"They say that, but that isn't what they want," Irvine said. "Prime example? Our good Commander and his beloved Sorceress. You remember what he was like, yeah? All dark and broody and mysterious? Treated Rinoa like crap? But guess what? Rinoa ate it up, licked the plate and asked for seconds, didn't she?"

Zell put a hand to his face at Irvine's apt but rather gross description.

"Yeah, but..." Zell began, but he couldn't think of a counter argument.

"See, if you show them your sensitive side before you make a move, you're dead in the water," Irvine continued. "Girls love a challenge. Throwing it all out there right off the bat makes you boring and unattractive to them. They know what they're getting ahead of time. There's no mystery."

"Huh," Zell said. "So... Basically, I have to be mean and weird to get a girl? That's stupid."

Irvine sighed and shook his head like Zell was the most pathetic and hopeless thing he'd ever seen.

"Your problem is that you want to be their friend," Irvine said. "Nothing kills relationship potential like being labeled a friend. Period. You gotta seem cool and disinterested. Not too disinterested, but enough to keep her on her toes. Let her come to you, man."

While Irvine was sort of making sense, Zell didn't think he had it in him to be mean to a girl he liked. His Ma hadn't raised him that way, and being nice was just something that he was. And how was a girl supposed to know he was interested if he didn't _seem_ interested? And Zell didn't really have _issues_. Not the way Squall did, anyway. Sure, maybe he was a little hyper and sometimes too loud but he'd always considered himself fairly normal, a guy with the same sort of issues most people went through.

"Seems kinda wrong," Zell said. "To make them think stuff about you that isn't true."

"Take my advice or you're going to be a human snot rag for the rest of your life," Irvine said. "Nice guys finish last, my friend."

Zell supposed he could try it. It sounded stupid and contrived, but he supposed if it had worked for Irvine and Squall, maybe it would work for him.

"You should probably stop dressing like a kid, too," Irvine said. "And do something different with your hair. Girls notice that shit."

"What's wrong with my hair?" Zell demanded.

"How much gel do you use in the morning?"

"Dunno, a lot?"

"How's she supposed to run her fingers through your hair if you've got so much gel in it it would take a chisel to get through it?"

Zell reached up and touched the tall spikes, feeling defensive and embarrassed. He liked his hair this way. He'd never even considered that a girl might want to run her fingers through it. That thought made him shiver as unexpected want rushed through him. Now that he thought about it, he bet it would feel really nice. And because Irvine had brought it up, Zell knew that all his stupid, romantic fantasies would somehow include a girl playing with his hair.

Great. Like he needed more fuel for the fire in his neglected loins. Stupid Irvine and his unsolicited advice. Zell knew his day would now be spent pondering Irvine's words of wisdom and alternately fantasizing about the library girl running her fingers through his long bangs.

"Huh."

A glance at his watch told him it was time to head to his classroom in the garage. He taught an 8 AM class on Vehicle Maintenance, which might have been fun, except this semester he had the unholy trinity in his class. Seifer, Raijin and Fujin all in the same class was the stuff of nightmares. Whoever had allowed that to happen deserved to be shot.

Cid, Squall and Quistis had collectively decided to give the three of them a do-over, which meant they were still cadets. Technically, Seifer was too old, but a special allowance had been made so that he had another shot to become a SeeD. Not that Seifer cared if he ever became one or not, and at the rate he was going, he'd be a cadet for life. No, his purpose in life these days seemed to consist of making Zell miserable.

"Gotta go," Zell said as he gathered his tray. "Gonna be late."

"Think about it, okay?" Irvine said. "You wanna ask the library girl out, I'll give you some pointers."

"Yeah, sure," Zell said absently, wondering if everything Irvine said might be true. Maybe so, since it seemed he had gained a whole fan club of his own in the time since he'd officially transferred to Balamb. Girls went nuts over him. They blushed and giggled when he smiled at them in the halls. Girls didn't do that when Zell walked by. Most of them didn't even look his way. So maybe he was doing something wrong.

He grabbed a coffee on the way out, waved to the library girl as she passed him on her way in. He still didn't know her name. He was going to have to make a point to learn it if he ever hoped to get her to go out with him. He couldn't just keep calling her library girl. He doubted she'd like that, but so far, he'd been too shy to ask.

Then he kicked himself for forgetting Irvine's advice so quickly. Maybe he should have just ignored her or given her a nod of cool disinterest. Pretended he didn't see her or something. Too late now.

In his classroom, he pulled on his coveralls, rolled up the sleeves and dumped a stack of graded exams on his desk. Then he unlocked the tool cabinet and did a quick survey of the inventory. If he didn't stay on top of it, the cadets would rob the cabinet of anything useful for their own nefarious purposes. A strict check-in, check-out system was necessary unless he wanted to try and teach a class without the aid of tools. Which would be impossible. Most of the class was spent taking things apart and putting them back together.

One by one, students filed in and took their seats while Zell finished his coffee and tried not to think about how on-point Irvine's advice was starting to seem. He _was_ a walking snot rag. Maybe if he stopped being one, Selphie would stop showing up at his door bawling about stuff. Of course, most of the time, it was because of Irvine, so... Well, that sort of proved Irvine's point while also disproving it. Zell never wanted to be the guy that made a girl feel so bad she cried. Then again, Selphie was wildly emotional, given to fits of over-the-top joy, followed by bouts of unexplained crying. And most of the time, her grievances with Irvine were over stupid things. So maybe that wasn't the best example.

Maybe he should start acting a little more like Squall and start saying "whatever" in response to everything. Zell wasn't into shoegazing, but that seemed to work for Squall. Maybe pretending to be quiet, contemplative, and closed-off would make him seem all dark and mysterious, too. Or he could borrow a page from Irvine and perfect a slow, sly grin full of suggestive mischief and start calling girls 'darlin'.' Maybe he'd practice both looks in the mirror later. Just for fun, of course.

Seifer, Raijin and Fujin were the last ones in class, as usual. Every day, the sneaked in with seconds to spare, saving Zell the trouble of giving them detention for tardiness Seifer flashed him a cocky grin as he took his seat at the back of the room, then propped his feet up on the desk, casual and easy as if he owned the place.

"Feet off the desk, Almasy," Zell said without looking up from his stack of papers. Seifer did this every single morning, just to get a rise out of him. And every single morning, he failed.

The heavy thud of Seifer's boots hitting the tile made Zell scowl, but he pretended not to notice and passed out the exams. For the most part, the class had done well. All but Seifer and Raijin had passed.

"The starter died in one of the vehicles last night," he told the class. "Almasy, Raijin, since it looks like you need a little extra practice, that's your assignment for the day. The rest of you will be continuing on with your radiator installations. Fujin, you're already done with yours, so you're on tool check-out duty today."

"AFFIRMATIVE," Fujin said.

"Teacher's pet, ya know?" Raijin said.

"Can chickens have pets?" Seifer wondered aloud.

"RAGE!"

Fujin grabbed her instruction manual and smacked Raijin with it, then hit Seifer over the head.. Zell suppressed a laugh and said nothing. Normally, he wouldn't condone violence in his classroom, but he sort of enjoyed seeing Seifer get his so he pretended like he didn't see it.

Zell would never tell anyone, but he'd disabled the starter in the vehicle himself, just to prove a point. Raijin may have legitimately failed his test, but Zell had a feeling Seifer had bombed on purpose. The best way to prove that theory was to make him do the work. If he successfully installed the starter without a problem, then he'd sabotaged himself. If he struggled, then he didn't have the aptitude for mechanics and didn't belong in Zell's intermediate class next semester. Both scenarios were a means to an end. Either way, he could divest himself of the pain in the ass.

Fujin on the other hand was a quick study. She'd aced her exam, had finished her project early and gave Zell little to no trouble most of the time. If anything, she kept Seifer in line. Zell hadn't known there was anyone on the planet who had that kind of power over Seifer, but Fujin could make Seifer shut his mouth with just a single look. It saved him the trouble of kicking Seifer out or giving him a detention most of the time.

"Get to it," Zell said.

"KEYS?" Fujin said as she approached the desk.

Zell tossed them to her. "Nice job on the exam, by the way. There's a spot open for you in my advanced class next semester if you're interested."

"VERY."

"Cool," Zell said. "I'll put you on the list."

"SEIFER. HELP?"

"You worry about the tools today, maybe help the others if they need it," Zell said. "Let Seifer and Raijin show me what they've got."

"AFFIRMATIVE."

Zell kind of liked that Fujin showed him respect where the other two didn't. It wasn't all the time, but she was less obnoxious than the other two. Especially when separated from them. Left to her own devices, Zell was willing to bet that Fujin was pretty cool.

He wandered the workspace, critiquing work from time to time, and eventually found himself checking up on Seifer and Raijin. Seifer was under the vehicle, cursing loudly at Raijin and there was power steering fluid dripping all over the floor.

Zell sighed and crouched down to look at Seifer. He feigned disappointment.

"You know, if you'd done this correctly, I was willing to give you both a passing grade on your exam," Zell said. "Such a shame. I guess you both fail."

Seifer rolled out from under the vehicle and threw down the wrench in his hand

"I could have fixed it, but this moron had to get in the way," Seifer said.

"Power steering has nothing to do with the starter," Zell said.

"I know that," Seifer growled. "What, do you think I'm an idiot?"

"You really want me to answer that?"

"I know how to do this," Seifer snapped.

"Based on your exam grade and that puddle, I'm inclined to believe otherwise," Zell said. "If you don't pass my class, you're going to have to take it again next semester."

"Bet you just love that, don't you?" Seifer asked bitterly.

"I don't want to have to see your face any more than you want to see mine," Zell promised.

"Don't mince your words or anything, Instructor," Seifer said.

"Why lie?" Zell asked. "It's the truth, isn't it?"

Seifer picked up his discarded wrench and cast an angry glance at Raijin.

"I can fix this goddamn truck if you get outta my face," Seifer said.

"If you can fix it," Zell said, "including the power steering, I'll give you a passing grade. But you're still behind on your radiator, and I'm not giving you extra time to finish."

It was clear that Seifer wanted to say something nasty, but for whatever reason, he held his tongue.

"I'll get it done," Seifer said and rolled himself back under the truck. "Now leave me alone."

* * *

When lunch rolled around, Zell headed to the cafeteria and was dismayed to find they were already out of hot dogs, even though they'd only been serving for five minutes. He sighed and ordered a burger instead and headed to his usual table. Rinoa, Selphie and Irvine were already there. Squall was noticeably absent and it was clear that Selphie and Irvine had made up, judging by the game of kissy-face going on on the other side of the table.

Zell sat down next to Rinoa, who smiled but looked weepy. Red-rimmed brown eyes looked back at him, tears ready to spill over at any moment. Zell let out a sigh and opened his arms without a word. Rinoa threw herself into them and instantly burst into tears.

Man, maybe Irvine was right. He _was_ a walking snot rag.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Squall's being a meany," Rinoa cried. "A big mean meany!"

There wasn't much Zell could say to that, so he just let Rinoa cry while he tried to ignore the two lovebirds sucking face across from him. Which wasn't easy. Selphie was now in Irvine's lap and there was waaaay too much tongue happening over there. What the hell was Irvine doing, anyway? Trying to remove her tonsils? Sheesh. Zell was no expert at kissing, but he was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to involve what looked like licking, either.

"Get a room," he muttered.

He sort of wished he was the one playing tonsil hockey with some cute girl, though he wouldn't be doing it at the table for the whole world to see. That was just gross. Nor would he be doing... whatever it was they were doing.

He didn't bother to ask what Rinoa's problem was and spent half his lunch letting her sob into his uniform jacket. By the time she had calmed down enough to let him go, his food was cold and he suddenly didn't feel like eating.

Irvine was right, damn it. He was a doormat. A dumping ground for bad feelings. A human tissue. And that sucked.

* * *

Zell had an hour after lunch before his Advanced Martial Arts class started, so he hummed and hawed outside the library before he worked up the courage to go inside. He took a few nervous swings at the air to cure his anxiety, took a deep breath and tried to think of a good excuse to talk to the library girl. Maybe he could ask for help finding a engine manual or something. He had all the ones he needed for his classes, but she didn't know that.

She was behind the desk when he entered, smiling broadly at a pony-tailed SeeD, and Zell almost turned around and walked out. He hated that guy. He was a cocky jerk without reason to be. From what Zell knew, the guy was average in every way and he barely worked because he didn't play well with others, and there weren't a lot of solo missions to go around. He was a wanna be Seifer, but not nearly as tough.

Zell poked through the bookshelves, pretending interest in the titles until the guy went away. The library girl came out from behind the desk and wandered over, smiling.

"You like romance novels?" she asked.

"What?" he asked, startled. "No. Why?"

"This is the romance section," she said with a little smile. "And you've been standing here for the last ten minutes."

Zell's cheeks blazed red as he realized that every single book on the shelf in front of him was some silly, girly romance thing that he wouldn't be caught dead reading.

"Oh, uh... yeah, sorta... distracted, I guess," he said. "I was looking for a couple manuals on turbine engines. For class."

The girl giggled.

"Those will be in non-fiction," she said. "With the other manuals."

"Oh, okay. Thanks," he said, feeling incredibly stupid.

He walked away, wishing he could kick himself in the head for being such a dork.

"Hey Zell?" she asked. "Can I ask you something?"

He turned around, cheeks on fire.

"Sure," he said.

She glanced around furtively and then grabbed his arm and pulled further down the aisle.

 _She's going to ask me out! Yes! I am the MAN!_

"Um, so there's this guy who comes in here every day, and I think he kinda likes me, but I don't know how to ask," she said, blushing.

Zell started to get excited. He went to the library every day, and he kinda liked her.

 _Yes! She likes me back. Yes, yes, yes! Take that, Irvine and all your ridiculous advice._

"You like him?"

She nodded, her cheeks turning a bright red. She cast her eyes shyly aside. Zell thought it was adorable how nervous she seemed.

"I keep hoping he'll ask me to the the fall social, but... he hasn't yet."

Zell blinked at her. Was that a hint? Was she fishing for an invitation?

"Oh..." he said. "Um, would you like to go with me?"

"What?" she asked, startled.

"To the social."

"Um, well I was, um, hoping you could give me some advice on how to ask him, but..."

It felt like the floor had dropped out from under him. The high he'd been riding for the last two minutes came crashing down on him, hard. Disappointment filled his heart and he wanted to run away, throw himself in his bed and cry at his own stupidity. Of course she wasn't interested in him.

"You didn't think I was talking about you, did you?" she asked.

"Psh, of course not. I was just being, um, gentlemanly," he said, trying to laugh it off. "You know, in case he was already taken or... something."

"Aww, that's so sweet of you," she said, breaking into a smile. She threw her arms around his waist and hugged him. "You're really nice, you know that?"

There it was again. _Nice._ He was nice. It was like saying a hot dog was just _okay_ when everyone agreed they were awesome. He was a hero, damn it! A deadly weapon! And, not that he was vain or anything, but he was pretty sure he was fairly good looking, too. Not to mention, he was jacked. One hundred and sixty pounds of solid muscle, not an ounce of fat in spite of his diet. He could wrestle a 400 pound juvenile T-Rexaur to the ground and not break a sweat, for Hyne's sake! And Selphie and Rinoa had both oohed and ahhed over his abs a few weeks ago and both had insisted on touching his stomach until Irvine and Squall got pissed about it and demanded they stop. That had to count for something. Right?

But no. He was just _nice_.

"Um, yeah, that's me," he muttered. "Mr. Nice Guy."

"So what do you think?" she asked. "Would it be weird if I asked him first?"

He didn't want to be giving her advice on how to ask a guy out. If a girl walked up to him and asked him on a date, he'd jump at the chance. But Zell had never been the guy girls went nuts over.

"Not at all," he said. "You're... Awesome. He should consider himself lucky, and he'd be stupid to say no."

"You really think so?"

"Sure," he said. "By the way, I know this is gonna sound really dumb, since I talk to you like, every day, but... What's your name?"

She pointed to the name tag pinned to her SeeD uniform, leaving Zell feel like a monumental idiot for never noticing before. Worse, was her smile of amusement as his cheeks turned red again.

"Angela," he said. "Pretty name."

"Thanks," she said "My friends call me Angie, though."

"Okay, Angie," Zell said with a nod. "Guess this means we're friends?"

"Friends," she agreed. "And... Thanks again for asking about the formal. That was really sweet of you."

"Yeah, no problem," he said.

But his heart was breaking as he watched her return to the desk and saw her smile at some other boy waiting at the counter.

* * *

Zell's afternoon was blessedly easy. He loved teaching martial arts, and he had a few students that were really good. Class was a breeze and in spite of the disappointment of being rejected, his spirits lifted as he took out his frustration on a practice dummy and grappled with students for the rest of the afternoon.

He was _not_ nice. Not nice at all. His hands were deadly weapons. He could kill a man with a single blow. He was a badass and the top brawler out of 3 Gardens. He was not _nice_!

By the time class was over, he'd gotten a fair amount of frustration out of his system, though he was still disappointed that Angie wanted to go to the social with some other dude. He went to dinner, found Rinoa was still upset with Squall, who was still not inclined to make an appearance. Zell gave her hugs and tried to cheer her up while Selphie and Irvine sniped at each other over a plate of nachos.

On his way back to his room, he found Angela sitting on a bench outside the dorms, crying quietly to herself. Every bit of advice Irvine had given him that morning bounced around his skull, and he almost walked right on by. If she cried on him, he would permanently cement himself in the friend-zone. She would never look at him the way he wanted her to. He had to be cold. Aloof. More Squall-like than Squall was himself.

But in the end, he couldn't just walk by and leave her to her tears. No. Because he was too _nice_ for his own good, he sat down and let her bawl on his shoulder.

"He's already going with that girl that helps Dr. K in the mornings," Angie sobbed. "He made me feel really stupid for even asking."

"I'm sorry he's a jerk," Zell said. "His loss, not yours."

"Yeah, but he really made me think maybe he liked me," she sniffled. "Always flirting, coming in to see me... I really thought he liked me."

 _I like you. A lot._

"Why are guys such jerks?"

"I dunno," Zell said. "Friend of mine says girls like it when guys are jerks."

"Your friend is an idiot," she said. "No one wants to be treated like crap."

Zell snorted at that. Irvine really was an idiot. Angie was right, after all. No one wanted to be treated like crap.

She sniffled again and wiped her eyes.

"I wish more guys were like you," she said. "No ulterior motives. No hot and cold garbage. Non-threatening. Sweet. Nice."

Non-threatening? That was one he hadn't heard before. He could KILL with his BARE HANDS! How was that non-threatening? He could break her over his knee if he wanted to! No that he'd ever do that, but that wasn't the point.

"Yeah, well, it's not like I have girls lined up to go out with me," he muttered, feeling pathetic.

"I don't see why not. You're cute," she said. "Funny. Sweet."

He may have been all those things. And she may have been sitting there saying that those were things she wanted in a guy, but she wasn't jumping all over him, either. She was sitting there crying over some guy that wasn't interested when Zell would have given anything for her to like him the same way he liked her.

"Your invitation still stand?" she asked. "For the social?"

Zell didn't like being a second choice, or being the guy a girl settled for. He wanted to be the guy that the girl wanted, not the guy that stepped in when she got her heart broken. He wanted her to be excited about going out with him, not a last resort. But there he was, Mr. Nice Guy, unable to say no.

"Sure," he said. "If you want to."

"Just as friends, though," she said.

"Yeah. Sure. Friends."

* * *

Later, he sat in his room trying to put together a quiz for his Advanced Mechanics class, but he couldn't concentrate. Between the ideas knocking around in his head courtesy of Irvine Kinneas, and the sound of Instructor Aki having a loud disagreement with someone next door, Zell couldn't focus. When the disagreement escalated to the point where he could hear what was being said, Zell gathered his papers, stuck them in a messenger bag and headed to his classroom in the garage.

The light was on, which was strange, and the tool cabinet open. He was sure he'd locked it when class was over, but the door was wide open, revealing that several tools had been taken from inside. He scowled and dropped his bag in annoyance. He looked around the room, hoping they'd been used and then left behind. The desks were clear, but he heard a noise from the garage beyond and peeked out the window.

A pair of jean clad legs stuck out from under one of the vehicles and several tools were laid out on the ground next to the truck.

Seifer.

Zell was torn between giving him hell and letting him be, but the fact that he'd broken into the tool cabinet sort of pissed him off. He stepped into the garage and on light feet, made his way over to the delinquent gunblade specialist.

"If you wanted to work on this after hours, you should have asked," Zell said as loud as he could without yelling.

There was a clunk, followed by a groan of pain. Seifer rolled out from under the vehicle, clutching his forehead and scowled up at Zell. Zell smiled with satisfaction as he spied the reddish welt on Seifer's brow.

"Don't sneak up on me like that," Seifer growled.

"Don't steal my shit," Zell snapped.

Seifer glared at him and sat up.

"I could give you a detention for this," Zell said.

"Yeah? Go ahead," Seifer said. "Don't give a crap."

Zell decided startling him was punishment enough and shrugged. Seifer was sort of making an effort, which was a surprise. Maybe he cared after all, so maybe this wasn't worth giving a detention over. Zell let it go and backed off.

"Make sure everything goes back when you're done," Zell said. "If anything's missing, I'll break your fingers."

"Are instructors supposed to threaten students?" Seifer asked.

"Are students supposed to break into classrooms?" Zell retorted. "Next time, ask for permission, dumbass."

Seifer saluted. "Anything else?"

"I'll be here for a bit, if you have questions."

"Don't stay for my benefit."

"Don't worry. I'm not."

Seifer dropped back down and slid himself back under the vehicle. Zell stood there for a moment, peeked into the engine compartment to make sure Seifer hadn't sabotaged something and then returned to the classroom when everything looked in order.

He spent the next two hours preparing his exam. Without the sound of a raving instructor Aki, he was better able to focus, and was even able to shut out thoughts about girls and dating and all the complexities they entailed.

When a power steering fluid and grease covered Seifer entered the room, pilfered tools in hand, Zell looked up and watched him replace every last one in silence. Satisfied, Zell sat back and crossed his arms.

"How's it coming?"

"Done," Seifer said. "Check it."

Zell got up and went to the garage, lifted a set of keys from the peg board and started the vehicle. The engine roared to life without hesitation and he nodded at Seifer through the windshield. He pressed his foot on the brake, put the vehicle in first and gave the steering wheel a couple of good, hard yanks. The steering responded the way it was supposed to, so he shut the engine off and got out.

He leaned against the door and crossed his arms, looking Seifer over. The guy looked worn out. Zell had never really given him so much as a second look since returning, but Zell noticed now that Seifer was thinner and there were dark circles under his eyes as if he wasn't sleeping. Well, if anyone deserved to have a few sleepless nights, it was Seifer.

"You bomb that exam on purpose, or do you just suck at taking tests?"

Seifer shrugged. He hadn't bothered to heal the welt on his forehead, and it was now showing a dark purple bruise underneath the redness of swelling.

"Suck at tests, I guess."

"Really. It wouldn't be because you wanted to make it look like I was a lousy instructor or anything," Zell said.

"The fuck would I do that for?"

"No secret you hate my guts," Zell said. "So it wouldn't be a stretch to believe you were trying to make me look bad."

"Yeah, because I spend my time trying to figure out ways to make your life suck."

Zell wouldn't have been surprised if that was true, but something about the way Seifer said it gave Zell pause. Bitter. Tired. Toneless. But not angry. Not the way Zell was used to.

"I don't need to plot ways to make you look bad," Seifer said. "You do that on your own."

Zell's fists clenched at his sides. Suddenly, Irvine's words came back to him. Too nice. _Doormat_. Well screw that.

"Good job, Seifer," Zell said. "You just earned yourself a detention. Now get the fuck out of my classroom."

Seething, Zell returned to his room to find a weeping Selphie waiting for him. Though it was a bit early for her to show up bawling, it was still rather late in the evening, and Zell was in no mood for theatrics. He'd had enough of crying for the day, and he was not at all interested in a repeat of the previous night. He vowed, the next time he let a girl in his bed, it wouldn't be because she was bawling her eyes out.

"Irvineissuchabuttheadandihatehimihatehimihatehim!" Selphie wailed the second she laid eyes on Zell. "Allhewantsfrommeissexanditsucksbecausethereshouldbemoretoarelationshipthanthat!"

Zell put a hand over his eyes, feeling like he wanted to punch something. He was done with this. Done being nice, done being walked on, done being the guy everyone wanted to cry on. He couldn't take it anymore. As Selphie latched onto him and boo-hooed into his shirt, something in Zell snapped.

"Then go tell him that," Zell growled. "Tell him you hate him! Break up with him! I don't care!"

Selphie stopped crying in an instant and stared at Zell, wide eyed with shock.

"What?"

"I'm so tired of being the guy you come to when you're upset!" Zell said. "Is that all I am to you?!"

Dumbfounded, Selphie's eyes welled up with tears again. Zell didn't even care that he'd hurt her feelings. No one seemed to care about his feelings, so why should he bother?

"...um..."

"I've got stuff going on too, you know, but do you care about that? No! You don't!" Zell bellowed. "Nobody even cares how I'm feeling, nobody asks if I'm doing okay. Am I even your friend? Or just a shoulder to cry on because no one else will put up with this bullshit?"

Selphie's bottom lip trembled and she reached out for him again, but he pushed her away, furious in a way he hadn't been since Seifer had replaced his homework with photocopies of pornography and he'd been hauled into Cid's office to explain it.

"I'm tired of it! Sick and tired and I can't stand it anymore! Go cry on Irvine! Or Squall! Go talk to a goddamn _wall_ , for all I care, just leave me the fuck alone!"

Selphie burst into tears and slumped down to the floor, sobbing into her hands.

"You're being so mean!" she wailed.

"Get used to it," Zell snapped. "I'm done being nice to people. No more Mr. Nice Guy! You hear me? No more! So stop bringing your problems to me. Stop showing up at three in the morning when you know I have to be up early because I don't care about your problems or what Irvine did to piss you off! Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!"

He opened the door and stepped inside, so angry he wanted to destroy something. He was shaking, sweating and close to tears. He shut the door, dropped face first to the bed and tried to ignore the way Selphie was wailing in the hall.

* * *

Notes:

Yeeeaaah. So I tried to do a once-shot about Zell being stuck in the friend-zone for the Successor Challenge. It went nowhere, but I was stuck in the Dr.'s office last week and MTV's "Catfish" was on and, well... boredom! And maybe a need to lighten up a bit after writing so much angst. This will be much, much lighter than my other stuff.

This will also be secondary to my other active fic, "Somebody That I Used to Know," which will be updated later this week.

If you like it, leave a review! Much love and gratitude for your support!


	2. Balamb Singles Mingle

"He was so mean!" Selphie moaned. "Like really, really mean!"

Rinoa placed a mug of tea in front of her sobbing friend. Selphie helped herself to the sugar bowl, heaped six or seven scoops into the tea, stirred, and then added two more. It was on the tip of Rinoa's tongue to say something, but she didn't want Selphie to renew her wretched sobbing. Squall was trying to work in the other room, it was late, and Rinoa really wanted to go to bed. But Selphie was upset. And when Selphie was upset, everyone was upset.

"I can't imagine Zell being mean," Rinoa said, taking a seat. "He's always so nice."

"He was MEAN!" Selphie shrieked. "Like Squall mean and Seifer mean all rolled into one."

Rinoa just couldn't imagine Zell being mean to anyone but Seifer. And these days, now that Zell was Seifer's instructor, their altercations were few and far between. Seifer was keeping his head down and Zell was taking his instructor position seriously.

"Did he say why?"

"Dunno. Just something about having his own stuff and how he was sick of us crying all over him all the time."

Rinoa felt bad. She'd cried on him twice, but he hadn't seemed upset about it. He'd hugged her and let her cry on his shoulder without complaint. It made her wonder if Selphie had done something to set him off. It wasn't hard to imagine. After all, Selphie didn't know the meaning of boundaries.

"He didn't say what his own stuff was?"

"Irvine thinks it's about a girl," Selphie sniffled. "Because girls don't want to date him or something, they just want to be his friend."

"Oh," Rinoa said. Now she really felt bad. Last week, she'd said something about him being like a brother. Had that hurt his feelings? She hoped not. She'd meant it as a compliment. "Poor thing. I wish we could do something to make him feel better."

Rinoa wanted to go to his room and give him a great big hug. It sounded like he needed one. But she also knew, when Zell was upset, it was best just to leave him alone until he calmed down. He had a tendency to get even more worked up when people tried to talk to him when he was upset. She decided to give him a day or two to cool off and then take him out for ice cream or something.

"If it really is about girls, maybe we should help him," Selphie said.

Rinoa didn't like the look on Selphie's face. Rinoa knew that look. It said Selphie was scheming and whatever she was about to come up with was probably a really, really bad idea.

"Help him find a girlfriend?" Rinoa asked skeptically. "I don't know..."

"Yes!" Selphie cried as though Rinoa had agreed with her. "Let's start with an online dating profile! I've heard really good stuff about BalambSinglesMingle, so we'll just set him up an account and see what happens!"

"Selphie, I don't think that's such a good idea..." Rinoa said. "I mean, it's lying, isn't it? Pretending to be someone else? And anyway, how would we get Zell to meet people without it seeming weird?"

"We'll just pretend to be him for a while, and then, if it seems like the girl is pretty cool, we'll arrange a blind date and tell Zell everything we learned so he doesn't go into it not knowing anything," Selphie said. "Easy."

Rinoa frowned. She wasn't comfortable pretending to be Zell. Even if it was a nice idea, she didn't like lying to people, and she didn't like the idea of tricking Zell into going on dates. A lot could go wrong, and they might wind up with Zell even more angry than he already was.

"Let's just give it a try, okay?" Selphie said. "I mean, we don't have to go through with it if she doesn't meet our standards, right?"

"What are our standards?" Rinoa asked, curious. "What kind of girl are we looking for? I mean, what would Zell want?"

"Well, she has to be smart," Selphie said, tears forgotten.

"So...no spelling or grammatical errors in her messages," Rinoa said, only half joking. Zell was a reader. He would notice stuff like that and Rinoa was sure that he wouldn't want to date a girl who couldn't spell.

"Sure, that too," Selphie said with a shrug. "And... she has to be funny and sweet and like martial arts and stuff. And be okay with tattoos."

"And she absolutely _must_ love hot dogs," Rinoa said, reluctantly getting into the spirit. Selphie was right. It couldn't hurt to see what was out there. They were under no obligation to make a date happen. What was the harm? If nothing panned out, Zell would never have to know.

"Yeah! Hey, that's the perfect title for his profile!" Selphie cried. "Where's your lap top? We need to get started on this while our creative juices are flowing."

Selphie didn't wait for Rinoa to retrieve the lap top from its bag. Selphie made a grab for it and immediately started rooting around in it, pulled the laptop out and as soon as it booted, called up a website. Rinoa watched, curious as Selphie typed frantically, filling out the basic details.

"How tall is he?" Selphie asked.

"I don't know," Rinoa said. "Taller than me, but shorter than Squall."

"So, um... maybe 5'4"?" Selphie said.

Rinoa shrugged. Judging a person's height was not something she was particularly skilled at. Basically, someone was either taller or shorter than herself.

"Weight?" Selphie asked.

"Not a clue," Rinoa said. "I mean, he's not that tall but he's all muscle. Muscle weighs a lot, doesn't it?"

"Hmm...so...like, 200?"

"I don't think he weighs that much," Rinoa said doubtfully. "Squall only weighs 160."

"Yeah, but he's not all muscular and stuff. I'm gonna put 200," Selphie said decisively. "We can come back and change it if we find out any different."

Rinoa frowned. Squall was definitely muscular, just not bulky and he hid it under layers of clothing. Too many layers of clothing for Rinoa's liking, but then again, she was the only one who got to see what was underneath and she didn't mind that at all. If Selphie had any clue what Squall looked like without his shirt off, she would force him to strip so she could drool.

"Okaaaay," Rinoa said. "So what next?"

"Now..." Selphie said, "There's a bunch of questions. I'm just gonna answer whatever. I don't think these matter that much."

"Well, what kind of questions are they?" Rinoa asked, scooting closer to see Selphie rapidly clicking through, selecting at random.

"Silly stuff," Selphie said. "Don't worry about it. Nobody reads that part."

"How do you know?" Rinoa asked.

"I helped set Nida up a couple months ago," Selphie said.

"Has he had any luck?" Rinoa asked doubtfully.

"He's got more dates than he can handle," Selphie said. "I made him a total stud."

Rinoa bit her lip and watched Selphie select answers at random. That couldn't be good. Rinoa was pretty sure, if they asked the questions in the first place, there must have been some point to them. Maybe blazing through them wasn't such a good idea but she held her tongue. There was no point in arguing with Selphie about anything. She would either get mad, or she would cry, or both. It was far too late to deal with either.

Selphie was now typing furiously, fingers flying over the keyboard. Rinoa leaned over her shoulder to read the text that would attract Zell a potential girlfriend.

 _ **Must Love Hotdogs**_

 _User: Hotdog0317_

 _Height: 5'4"_

 _Weight: 200_

 _Body Type: RIPPED!_

 _Hair/Eyes: Blonde/Blue_

 _Profession: Badass_

 _ **About Me:**_

 _I am super-awesome, sweet, funny, kind, and I look great with my shirt off! No, seriously. I have the abs of a Centran God. You WILL want to touch them. And I'll let you, because I'm a great big sweetie and I can't get enough of ladies fondling my tummy! Totally makes my day!_

 _Ummm...what else? Oh. Yeah. I give great hugs, I have the best friends in the world, and I can (literally) sweep you off your feet. I'm also really good at fixing stuff!_

 _ **What I'm Looking For:**_

 _A girlfriend. Long-term dating. I'm ready to get serious and I am totally marriage material. I prefer brunettes, because brunettes are awesome, but blondes are okay too._

 _No red-heads or super-short skirts or really big boobs._

 _I have lots of friends who are girls, so you can't be the selfish, jealous type because my lady friends will totally not be down with that. Otherwise, prepare to shop till you drop because they love, love, love shopping!_

 _My ideal girlfriend is smart, sweet, likes to read, loves receiving hugs, likes to cuddle, and enjoys outdoor activities such as T-boarding, going to the beach, martial arts and random monster battles._

 _ **Stuff I Like:**_

 _Hotdogs, T-boards, reading, shopping with my girls, the beach, martial arts, engines, cars, giving HUGS, working on my awesome muscles, tattoos._

 _ **Quickest Way To Get My Attention:**_

 _Smell like a hotdog, offer me a hotdog or challenge me to a hotdog eating contest._

 _ **Things People Notice About Me:**_

 _My Muscles. My pretty blue eyes. Face tattoo. Gravity defying hair._

 _ **First Date:**_

 _We'll go out for hotdogs and beer!_

"Selphie..." Rinoa began, but she was at a complete loss as to where to begin. "Hot dog is two words."

"No it isn't. It's a compound."

"It's two words," Rinoa said.

"No, it ISN'T," Selphie said.

"Yes it is," Rinoa said.

"You don't know what you're talking about," Selphie said, indignant.

"Uh, yes I do," Rinoa said, reaching over to put a space between hot and dog.

Selphie immediately erased it. "Leave it alone! It's _one word_."

"Fine," Rinoa said, throwing up her hands. "This is silly anyway."

"No it isn't," Selphie said. "Friends helping out friends is never silly."

The earnestness in Selphie's voice made Rinoa agree, though not without reservation. She bit her lip as Selphie pushed the submit button and Zell's profile went live.

"Oh," Selphie said, face screwing up. "It's asking for a picture."

"Um, I really think we should ask his permission if we're going to put up a picture," Rinoa said.

"Relax, we'll just use, like, a blurry one or like, just part of his face, like his eye," Selphie said. "He's got pretty eyes."

"Yeah, but..."

"Will you chill?" Selphie asked. "It'll be fine. What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

There was a chicken on Zell's desk when he walked into his classroom the next morning. Not a fake one. Not a stuffed animal, but a real, live chicken. He froze in the doorway and glanced around the empty classroom for any sign of Seifer and saw nothing. On the desk, the chicken clucked softly, turning it's head to the side to look at him.

He knew Seifer had to be somewhere, watching. Seifer wouldn't pull a stunt like this and not stick around to see Zell's reaction. So Zell went about his business as if nothing was amiss, though inside he was seething. Stupid Seifer and his stupid nickname and moronic idea of a joke.

Zell had gotten his breakfast to go, having no desire to face his friends after his meltdown on Selphie and he tossed a bite of his toast on the desk for the bird. The chicken flapped it's wings in an excited flurry and pecked at Zell's offering with enthusiasm.

"Humh," Zell grunted at it and pulled on his coveralls. "Kinda cute, aren't you?"

The chicken clucked at him and eyed the remainder of Zell's breakfast. Zell tossed it another piece and took a swig of his coffee, staring at the bird. What was so funny about chickens, anyway? Sure, they were pretty stupid, but there were worse things in the world to be besides. Sandworms were pretty nasty. And so were pain in the ass gunbladers who thought they didn't have to follow rules.

Well. Seifer would not get a rise out of him. Not today, because Zell Dincht was _not_ a doormat.

Students began to file in one by one. Some were startled and confused by the presence of the docile bird on the desk. Others laughed openly. The girls thought it was cute.

Seifer's face was smug when he walked in thirty seconds from the bell, his cohorts trailing behind him. He sat down at the back of the class and propped his feet up on the desk.

"Feet off the desk, Almasy," Zell said without batting an eye.

Like every, single morning that semester, Seifer's boots hit the floor with a thunk. This morning, however, Seifer was grinning at him, looking very, very pleased with himself.

"Um, Instructor?" a blonde cadet asked, raising her hand.

"Yes, Cadet Wilson?"

"Why is there a chicken on your desk?"

"You might want to ask Cadet Almasy," Zell said.

"Isn't there a saying about birds of a feather?" Seifer asked casually.

Zell tossed his last bit of bread at the chicken and brushed the crumbs from his hands. From the back, Seifer smirked. Zell wanted to punch him. Instead, he shrugged and reached over to stroke the chicken's back, refusing to allow Seifer to rattle him.

"Um, so... is this part of today's class?" Cadet Wilson asked. "Should I be taking notes?"

Zell had to force himself not to roll his eyes. He was fairly patient with most of his students, but even he had his limits on stupidity. He just wasn't sure which was more stupid. The chicken on the desk or the girl asking dumb questions.

"No," Zell said with exaggerated patience. "You don't need to worry about the chicken."

"Can we name it, then?" Cadet Wilson asked.

"Knock yourself out," Zell said.

On the desk, the chicken pecked at his notes in search of more bread.

"Wuss!" Raijin called out, hiding his mouth behind a hand as though no one would know it was him.

"Zelda!" A girl called out.

"Ratchet!"

"SEIFER." Fujin said.

"I like that," Zell said. "I think we'll go with Fujin's idea."

"Your are not naming that damned thing after me," Seifer growled.

"It's my chicken," Zell said, smug. "I can name it anything I want. Isn't that right, little Seify-wifey?"

Zell gave the chicken a little pat to make his point. The chicken clucked and pecked at his watch.

Fujin snorted back her laughter, but Raijin let out a loud guffaw, slapping his leg in amusement.

"You are so dead," Seifer growled at Fujin.

Zell just grinned back at him, triumphant.

After class was over, Zell sat down at his desk and leaned back in his chair, palm to his face.

On the desk, Seifer the Chicken pecked at the pencil cup because it was shiny.

* * *

"Oh, look!" Selphie cried, showing Rinoa her laptop at lunch later that day. "We got a message!"

 _ **Sexylady356:** Hi. I like your profile, ya know? Would you like to chat?_

"Oooh! She's pretty!" Selphie said, clicking on the profile of Sexylady357.

"Likes parties, outdoor activities, camping..." Rinoa read off. "She didn't list books."

"So what?" Selphie asked. "Is that like, a deal breaker?"

"Well, no, but it would be nice if they had something in common," Rinoa said with a shrug. "Books are good conversation starters."

"Yeah, if you're dull and boring," Selphie said with an eye-roll.

"Zell likes to read," Rinoa said. "Zell is not good at small talk with girls who are not us. He needs SOMETHING to to talk about on the date."

"Zell likes camping and parties and stuff," Selphie said.

"She also likes beer pong."

"What's wrong with beer pong?" Selphie asked.

"What isn't?" Rinoa replied. "Message her back."

 _ **hotdog0317:** HI there! I'd love to chat! _

"Ask her if she likes to read," Rinoa insisted.

"Fine," Selphie said, rolling her eyes.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Read any good books lately?_

 _ **Sexylady357:** Just finished "How Not To Date Losers On The Internet."_

Rinoa frowned at the screen. Selphie did too and started to type furiously.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Is that a REAL book, or are you just messing with me?_

 _ **Sexylady357:** Loser._

 _ **Hotdog0317:**_ _Hey, don't be mean_!

 _ **Sexylady357:** Just being honest, ya know?_

Rinoa's frown deepened and she pushed Selphie out of the way and began to type.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Stop trolling, Raijin! I KNOW that's you. I'm gonna tell Seifer. I wonder what he'd think of you catfishing dudes on Balamb's premier dating site. _

Sexylady357 abruptly logged off.

"Um," Rinoa said sitting back. "Maybe this is a bad idea, Seffie."

"Not it isn't!" Selphie said. "It's a great idea. You just have to wade through the weirdos and trolls before you find the unicorn!"

"The... unicorn?"

"That special person," Selphie said, rolling her eyes like it was supposed to be obvious. "The perfect person for Zell. Like, mythically, impossibly great and perfect and stuff."

"Yeah, that doesn't exist," Rinoa said. "No one's perfect."

"Oh, please!" Selphie said. "Of course it exists."

"Name one person that fits that description," Rinoa said, even though she already knew Selphie's answer.

"Irvy!"

Irvine was not perfect. Not even close. He wasn't a bad guy, just sort of a dirty pervert at inappropriate times, but otherwise he was a lot of fun. But perfect? Noooooo.

Of course, Rinoa didn't voice this opinion. She would rather not be screamed at this early in the day and only after one cup of coffee. Scratch that. She'd rather not be screamed at, period.

"What are you two doing?" Squall asked without looking up from the newspaper he was reading.

"Just messing around," Selphie said.

Squall peered at them over the edge of the paper. To any one else, it would appear that Squall was not interested. To anyone but Rinoa, but she knew him and she knew the subtle signs behind his cool, expressionless face. He didn't believe Selphie. In fact, he thought she was up to something.

And he was right. They were up to something. A something that was starting to feel like a really, horrible idea.

"Ooh! Another message!"

"Fishwife69," Rinoa read aloud. "Oh, she is _not_ pretty."

"Hey, she could be a very nice lady, you know."

"She could be, but she's also 50 and looks 70," Rinoa pointed out. "A little too old."

"I wanna read the message anyway," Selphie said.

"NO, don't click on it! I don't want to see!" Rinoa cried.

She covered her eyes a bit too late. Fishwife69 had a dozen or so pictures, all of herself in a string bikini, revealing miles and miles of wrinkled, leathery skin. She might have been an attractive woman at some point if not for the obvious evidence that she smoked a couple packs of cigarettes a day and spent far too much time in the sun.

"I like how confident she is," Selphie said.

"She's smoking in every picture, Seffie," Rinoa said. "That's a deal breaker."

"We all have to make compromises, Rinoa," Selphie said with exaggerated patience. "I mean, whoever he ends up with is going to have to be proficient in the Heimlich maneuver. Choking on food once a week isn't exactly an attractive quality, you know."

Selphie was exaggerating. Zell had choked from eating too fast exactly twice that Rinoa could remember and both times had been after he'd acquired a plate of hot dogs following a shortage. It wasn't like it was a daily or even weekly occurrence.

"Speaking of which, I'm gonna add that to his profile," Selphie said. "After I message Miss Fishwife69 back."

"Add what?"

"Are you not paying attention?" Selphie asked. "The Heimlich Maneuver!"

Rinoa closed her eyes and shook her head.

"For the record, this is a really bad idea."

* * *

For the next three days, Zell kept a low profile. He went to his classes but skipped out on meals with the group. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, so he ordered his meals ahead of time, picked them up as soon as breakfast was served and ate cold sandwiches either in his dorm with his new pet chicken, or his classroom. He avoided the library too, unable to deal with his disappointment at getting pigeon-holed in the friend category by Angie.

No one bothered him. No one came by to see if he was alright, and that hurt his feelings. A lot. Selphie, he could understand, since he'd yelled at her, but Quistis or Rinoa or Irvine should have come by or something, just to check in, right? Especially Irvine, since it was his advice that had gotten him all riled up in the first place.

Well, whatever. There was a new Dincht in town. He wasn't going to let it bother him. If they didn't want to hang out, it was their loss. He didn't want fair-weather friends anyway.

Except, now he was bored. Like, really, really bored. With no one to talk to except the chicken, and nothing to do, he was starting to feel edgy. And it was a Friday night. There was always something going on Friday. If he didn't go somewhere with Irvine, Squall was usually up for a game of Triple Triad if Rinoa wasn't forcing him to take her out to dinner or something. But no one had come by. No one had bothered, and that hurt.

"Bunch of fair-weather friends," Zell said to the chicken.

The chicken clucked, ruffled its feathers and pooped on the desk. Zell sighed, cleaned up the mess and vowed to find a new home for the stupid bird. He briefly considered returning the chicken to his rightful owner, but breaking into a student's room was probably a bad idea, even if it would be satisfying to leave the bird in Seifer's shower.

Out in the hall, Instructor Aki was raving again. His loud, booming voice kept intruding on Zell's sulking. He couldn't concentrate on feeling sorry for himself with all that noise going on. Then he wondered why he was feeling sorry for himself at all. He was an adult. He could make his own plans.

He didn't really feel like doing anything though. Instead of getting up from his desk and finding something to do, he reached for his headphones and switched on some loud, aggressive and angry music, flopped on his bed and closed his eyes. It successfully drowned out all the noise Aki was making, but it didn't shut down all the hard feelings toward his friends. If anything it made it worse because now he wanted to hit something.

There was a knock on his door, loud enough to cut through the music and he sat up, called an impatient, "Come in," and slipped the headphones down around his neck.

Quistis stepped into the room, cautious, as if she expected a physical attack, and if not, at the very least, a verbal thrashing. Zell sort of wanted to let her have it. Not because she'd really done anything wrong, but because she was there and because she'd waited so long to look in on him.

"Need something?" he asked flatly as she stepped further inside.

Her eyes immediately went to the chicken on the desk. It was busy pecking the corners off a piece of scratch paper.

"Why is there a chicken in your room?" Quistis asked, baffled.

"Seifer's idea of a joke," Zell said. "Don't worry. I'll probably take it to Ma's tomorrow."

"Want me to talk to him?"

"Seifer?" Zell asked. "I got it handled. What do you need?"

Zell was careful to keep his tone cool and disinterested as he took a seat at the desk. He didn't want Quistis thinking she was forgiven. Even if she was the least responsible for his mood, she'd still kept her distance and Zell knew Quistis knew about how he'd flipped on Selphie.

"Just checking in. I haven't seen you in days," she said. "Is everything okay?"

"...fine," Zell said, doing his very best to channel Squall.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms tightly over his chest as Quistis took a seat on his bed. She had that 'concerned mom' look on her face and it only darkened his mood more.

"Selphie told me you got upset with her."

Zell shrugged, unwilling to discuss it with Quistis. His beef wasn't with her. Of the three, she was the least needy, though the team-mom act was getting a bit old. He wasn't a kid and she wasn't his mother.

"Are you still going shopping with us tomorrow?"

"I hate shopping."

Quistis blinked at him, taken aback by his abrupt tone.

"You always seem to enjoy it."

"Yeah, because I like hanging out with my friends," Zell said. "I go because I want to spend time with you guys, not because I have some burning desire to watch you three try on clothes all day."

Quistis smothered a smile with her hand. Zell scowled at her.

"You know what I mean," he said. "Anyway, I've got plans."

His plans consisted of spending the majority of his day in the garage's metal shop fixing a mangled front end on one of the vehicles. One of the cadets had sideswiped a guard rail during driver's ed, and Xu had asked him to lend a hand after the repair shop in town had told her it would take a week. For lack of anything better to do, he said he'd take care of it. Not that he minded so much. It would take his mind off things.

"Well, would you like to come with me and Xu to the movies tonight?" she asked. "'Be Still My Heart' is playing."

"That's a chick flick."

"So?"

"I'm not a girl," Zell snapped, "and I'm sick of being treated like one."

Quistis' eyes went wide. "What is with you?"

"Nothing is with me."

He leaned further back in his chair, both put out and regretful for being a jerk. It was on the tip of his tongue to apologize, but the chair tipped backwards and before he could regain his balance, he was sent sprawling ass over elbow. His head hit the desk and the wall before he came to rest in a heap on the floor.

He sat up, clutching his head, feeling monumentally stupid. Here he was, trying to be a hardass and had wound up looking like a clumsy kid.

"Are you okay?" Quistis asked. She crouched beside him, peering at his forehead with concern.

"...fine," he muttered.

The throb in his head was nothing compared to his wounded pride.

 _Way to be tough, Dincht. Great job._

"Will you please tell me what's wrong?" Quistis asked after a moment.

"Nothing's wrong, Quistis," he said. "I just want to be alone."

Her eyes searched his face and he nearly caved under her worried and almost hurt expression at his tone.

"Okay," she agreed. "I'll leave you alone. But if you want to talk, you know where to find me."

"Yeah," he said.

Quistis leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. Zell's cheeks flamed, but not because he sort-of liked it. It was just the icing on the cake. A kiss on the cheek like he was some cute little kid. All it did was piss him off.

As soon as she was gone, Zell got up, punched the wall and instantly regretted it. He felt something in his index finger break and he cursed himself, kicked the dresser and regretted that when he realized a moment too late that he wasn't wearing shoes. He hopped around on one foot, clutching his injured toe with his uninjured hand, broken hand clutched to his chest until he reached the closet and retrieved a potion.

Wounds healed, Zell paced his room. He needed to get out of there. He needed to do something. He was going stir-crazy, stewing all by himself. The training center was the ideal place to blow off some steam, but he really didn't feel like getting covered in Grat guts. Maybe a run might help, but he didn't really want to do that, either.

He glanced at the clock. 7:30. Whatever plans the rest of his so-called friends had apparently didn't include him. Well, fine. He'd find something to do on his own.

He changed out of his uniform and put on a pair of jeans and a nice, dark blue button-down shirt, rolled up the sleeves and left it untucked. In the bathroom, he reached for his hair gel to give his bangs a touch up but Irvine's words came back to him. He frowned at his reflection for a second, turning his head side to side as he inspected his hair.

"Nothing to lose, right?" Zell asked himself.

He grabbed his shampoo, turned on the sink and rinsed every last bit of gel out. Then he got out the blow drier, dried his hair and looked at his reflection. Long, sandy blonde strands fell over his face, looking flat and weird. Well, it was worth a try. Maybe some cute girl would want to run her fingers through it. He could only hope, right? And in the meantime, he could drop by Ma's and solve the problem of the chicken in his room.

Keys in hand and the chicken under his arm, he headed out, only to encounter a raving Instructor Aki in the hallway. Aki had a book in his hand and was loudly reciting ancient Centran poetry. Zell had only taken two years of Centran, but he knew enough to tell the man was butchering the language. Zell ducked his head as he passed the other instructor, hoping to avoid confrontation, but Aki saw him anyway.

"Dincht!" Aki bellowed. "Stop where you are."

Zell turned around and stared at the man. The elderly instructor sometimes forgot that he was no longer a cadet, and he still treated him like one. It aggravated him to no end, but he tolerated it out of respect for Aki's seniority.

"Yeah?"

"Animals are not permitted in the dorms."

"Yeah, I know. Taking care of it."

"Make sure you do."

Zell resumed walking, but Aki called for him to stop. Again, Zell turned around to face him, annoyed the man didn't seem to get he was on his way out.

"What?"

"Three nights this week, I was awoken by the sound of a sobbing woman coming through the wall. I'll be reporting you to the Commander."

Great. Just what he needed. One more thing he could be pissed at Selphie about.

"From now on, I expect you to keep your nocturnal visitors to a minimum. And _quiet._ "

Never mind that the man raved all day long, speaking at top volume as though he wanted to be sure everyone in the hall could hear him. Never mind that the man was roaming the hall reciting poetry that no one could understand but everyone could hear.

"I apologize," Zell said. "Won't happen again."

"I should expect not," Aki said. "And tuck your shirt in."

"Yes sir," Zell said.

He turned on his heel and walked away, not bothering to tuck his shirt in.

* * *

"Raijin, what are you doing?" Seifer asked.

From his place on the bed, Seifer could see his two friends peering at the screen Seifer's his lap top with interest. Fujin let out a gleeful giggle as Raijin typed something into the key board. It looked like they were on a dating website.

"TROLLING."

"It's fun, ya know?" Raijin said. "Set up a fake dating profile and mess with people, ya know?"

"That's stupid," Seifer said, flipping the pages of his magazine.

"Oh, no way!" Raijin cried. "It's Nida, ya know?"

Normally, Seifer would not be interested, nor would he give a single crap about a dating website or who was on it. Except he knew Nida. Not well, but he knew him and he knew the dude was average in every way, totally boring and had not only mastered the art of brown-nosing but seemed to have his head shoved so far up Xu's ass, it would take a surgeon and a winch to remove it. Hearing that the guy had a dating profile was sort of amusing and Seifer sat up to peer over Fujin's shoulder at the screen.

A quick scan through the information told Seifer the guy thought he was far cooler than he actually was. He described himself as a war hero, skilled in all areas of combat, a premier pilot and an instrumental member of Garden's operations team. As far as Seifer knew, the guy hadn't even lifted his weapon during the war, nor was he particularly skilled at anything other than knowing how to suck up.

"What are you writing?" Seifer asked.

"MESSAGE."

Before she could send it, a message from another user popped up on the screen.

 _ **Hotdog0317** : Hiya! Love your profile pic. How are you tonight?_

Fujin started typing a response.

 _ **Piratebabe99** : Thanks. Doing well, thanks for asking. You?_

"Fujin, this is stupid," Seifer said. "Let's go do something."

"WAIT."

 _ **Hotdog0317** : Do you like hotdogs?_

 _ **Piratebabe99** : Why, yes, I LOVE them._

"Seriously, this is stupid."

 _ **Hotdog0317** : Awesome! They're like, my favorite food ever. _

_**Piratebabe99** : You don't say. _

Seifer snorted and got up. He pulled on his boots.

"Fujin, turn that shit off and let's go," Seifer said. "I'm bored."

"GO."

"Fine. If you wanna spend your Friday night talking to losers, be my guest," Seifer said.

"Where ya headed?" Raijin asked.

"Town, probably," Seifer said.

"We're not supposed to leave, ya know? We don't have passes."

"So what?" Seifer asked. "It's not like they're actually going to kick me out."

He knew that for sure. If he got caught, he'd probably get a lecture from Cid and Quistis about how disappointed they were. Leonhart couldn't be bothered, which suited Seifer fine, but Xu would yell at him for a while and he might wind up with a detention or two. But it wasn't like they'd do anything to him.

He'd tried, oh how he'd tried in the beginning to get himself thrown out, but the truth was, he had nowhere else to go, and everyone knew it. These days, he was more or less resigned to his fate, given the alternative was a prison cell in D-District. Garden was a different sort of prison, but at least here he was free to do as he pleased most of the time. Sure, he had to attend classes, and the new Disciplinary Committee watched him like they expected him to start a riot, and technically, he was restricted to the grounds, but that didn't stop him from doing what he wanted. So long as he didn't set the place on fire or incite a student rebellion, they left him alone.

Fujin cackled at something on screen and typed a response, prompting Seifer to roll his eyes. He figured they'd realize he was serious about heading out and tag along, but neither seemed interested in following. Seifer frowned and crossed his arms.

"Go do that in your own room if you're not coming with," Seifer said.

"Yo, I think this is Dincht," Raijin said. "He like, keeps talking about hot dogs, ya know?"

Seifer didn't even spare the computer a glance this time. In truth, he didn't care.

"Get out," Seifer said.

"I'm serious, man."

"I meant out of my room," Seifer said. He reached for his keys. "You can play with the dateless losers somewhere else."

"BAR?" Fujin asked.

"Where else?" Seifer said. "You coming?"

"AFIRMATIVE."

"Then get your ass in gear. I'm leaving in five."

"CAR?"

"Figured we'd walk," Seifer said. "Cid might give me a pass on sneaking out, but I doubt he'd be cool with me boosting a vehicle."

"I'll go too, ya know?" Raijin said and closed the lap top.

It was a nice night and the walk was refreshing. For Seifer, the thrill of sneaking out was intensified by the fresh air and the wide open space around him. Even Raijin and Fujin's bickering was less irritating due to the sense of freedom he got from being out unsupervised. For the first time in weeks, he relaxed and let the balmy night air lift his spirits.

In town, they walked along the boardwalk eating fish and chips from paper cones while Seifer kept his eye out for anyone from Garden who might tell on him. He preferred to keep his head down, and though he was breaking the rules by being out, he didn't wish to spend the next week in the MD lock up if he could avoid it.

"Shit. Quistis. And Xu, ya know?" Raijin said.

Seifer glanced around to see the two women dressed in civilian clothes waiting in line at the theater. He quickly ducked into an alley and tugged his two cohorts along with him. The least thing he needed was Trepe or Xu on his case, so they waited it out until the two disappeared into the lobby.

"Where to?" Raijin asked.

"I need a drink."

* * *

In Balamb, Zell parked at his Ma's house and popped in to say hello. With the chicken under his arm, he entered the house, calling out to her, though he knew she was in the kitchen. She grinned from ear to ear when she saw him and Zell offered her the bird. She accepted it with a bit of confusion but set it lose in the back yard just the same.

"I was just about to have dinner," Ma said. "Join me?"

Zell didn't have the heart to refuse. He sat down to a plate of fried fish, boiled potatoes and green beans cooked in ham and savored every bite while Ma gossiped about the neighbors.

"You should come to supper on Sunday. I'm having Rascal and his mother over to welcome her niece to town," Ma said. "She's your age. Very pretty. Sweet. Smart."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say no. Though he wanted a girlfriend, he didn't exactly want his Ma to set him up with one. Then again, it couldn't hurt. Maybe he could test Irvine's theory on her. He'd be cool and aloof. Quiet and mysterious. Except, Ma would probably haul out all the embarrassing photos and tell embarrassing stories about him, ruining any and all chances of coming off as the cool, aloof mystery guy.

"Maybe," he said. "I usually do lesson planning on Sundays."

"Oh, fooey," Ma said. "Stop making excuses."

Zell was taken aback. So much so that he couldn't come up with a reply.

"It's high time you started dating, Zell," Ma said. "Can't be a bachelor forever."

"I'm eighteen!" Zell said, indignant. "A little young to settle down and get married, don't you think?"

"Well of course it is," Ma said. "And you've grown up a lot in the last year. I'd just like some grandkids before I die."

"Ma!" Zell said. "I'm eighteen."

"Exactly," Ma said. "And it's high time you start acting like you are. Life isn't all about work, you know. Have some fun. Sew some oats."

Zell choked on that and held up a hand. He did not want to continue this conversation. He was not going to discuss oat-sewing or anything like it with his Ma. What did she expect him to do? Go pick up some girl and get her pregnant to satisfy her insatiable need for grandkids?

"Okay, I'm done with this conversation," Zell said.

He got up, rinsed his plate and gave Ma a kiss on the cheek.

"Gotta go," he told her. "Love you."

He walked to the nearest bar, stewing over the thought of his mother pushing him to settle down. He couldn't even get a girl to kiss him. Not to mention, he was only eighteen and settling down, getting married and having kids was a long way off as far as he was concerned. He needed a girl who was interested first, and at the moment, that felt like an insurmountable task.

The bar was a seedy place near the harbor, but frequented by the local youth as well as several retired fishermen that could be found there any night of the week. No frills, nothing special, just a bar with a battered pool table and cheap drinks. It was his go-to spot since he'd turned eighteen, and several of his friends from town frequented the place for the inexpensive but admittedly low quality booze.

Inside, a couple guys he'd grown up with were already there. Tavarus and Tamir were identical twins, but could be told apart by the scar on Tamir's chin. Zell had accidentally given it to him during a long ago mid-air collision on their respective t-boards.

"S'up?" Zell said as he approached the two.

"Dincht!" Tavarus greeted. "We were just talking about you. Haven't seen you in a minute. What's going on?"

"Not much, just working."

"You here by yourself?"

"Yup. So what are you guys up to?"

"Oh, you know. Friday night in boring Balamb."

"I hear you," Zell said.

A waitress came by and Zell ordered a beer. He chatted with his old friends and was joined by two more. They caught him up on the gossip and happenings around town. Who was dating, who had broken up. Which one had wound up working the docks or leaving town for Deling City. Zell realized, it must have been months since he'd seen these guys and was torn between missing their childhood together and being unable to relate. Most of them had never left the island. They hadn't seen the world or the horrors of war and they didn't know what it was like to take a life or have to struggle day in and day out to survive. The worst thing that had ever happened to Balamb was the Galbadian occupation, and while that had been bad, it had been brief and only a handful of people had been harmed.

Still, it felt good to switch things up. Rather than a night suffering through Squall's long silences and Irvine's extrapolations on all the virtues of firearms, Selphie or women in general, he welcomed the opportunity to be what he was: an eighteen year old hanging out with his friends. He drank his beer, laughed, played a game of pool with Tamir, drank more beer and had an unusually good time. Without all the pressure of Garden looming over him, and with a few drinks in him, he felt lighter and less weighed down.

At their table, Tavarus elbowed him and pointed toward a pair of girls at the bar.

"Remember Darla?" Tavarus asked.

Darla was a girl they'd played with when they were little, but her family had moved to Dollet for a while. Zell had heard she was back, but he hadn't seen her since they were about twelve. Darla had been a tomboyish bully, slightly bucktoothed and a head full of unruly auburn curls that as a kid, Zell had always compared to his Ma's tangled collection of gift ribbon. Now, though, any and all signs of that tomboy were gone. In her place was a pretty girl with beautiful curls that shimmered under the light, long lean legs and a skirt short enough to rival Selphie's shortest.

Zell let out a low whistle as he eyed the girl he had once made (and ate) mudpies with.

"She was dating this older guy, but they broke up about a month ago," Tavarus informed him. "And by the looks of it, she ain't all that broken up over it, either."

Presently, Darla was flirting with a cowboy hat clad patron at the bar and Zell narrowed his eyes in suspicion as the patron flirted right back.

Irvine.

When did he sneak in? And why hadn't he bothered to say hello? Or invite him along?

Zell was suddenly pissed. He grabbed his beer off the table and approached Irvine and Darla, on a mission to remind Irvine that he had a girlfriend.

"Remember me?" Zell asked, insinuating himself into the conversation and subsequently giving Irvine a firm brush off.

"Zell?" Darla asked. "Oh, my GOD! Look at you! You're so grown up!"

"Yeah, you too," he said. "You look great. How you been?"

"Good. Moved back a couple months ago," she said.

Now was his chance. He wasn't particularly interested in Darla, but he figured he could try his skills out nonetheless. Even if they had a history together, it had been long ago enough that he didn't think it was a big deal.

"Can I get you a drink?" he asked.

"Sure! A Balamb Breeze?"

Zell turned toward the bar and ordered her drink and another for himself, pointedly ignoring Irvine as he paid. When he handed Darla the drink, she eyed him with speculation.

"You look so different," she said. "I hear you're a SeeD now."

"Yup," he said, puffing out his chest a little. "I teach martial arts."

Darla grinned. "I remember you pretending you were a Kung Fu master when you were little."

"Not pretend anymore," he said, flashing her a crooked grin back. "I'm the real deal."

She reached out and wrapped a hand around his bicep. Her eyes widened.

"Wow."

Zell's grin broadened. Suddenly an arm dropped around his shoulder and he looked up to see Irvine.

"This guy right here is the baddest, toughest hand-to-hand fighter in all the world, darlin'."

Zell's grin fell away and he scowled at Irvine for interrupting.

"Stay away from this guy. He has a girlfriend."

"You two know each other?"

"Saved the world together, sweetheart," Irvine said with an easy smile. "We go way back."

"Oh, yeah. I heard you fought some crazy Sorceress," Darla said. "From the future?"

"We certainly did," Irvine supplied, cutting Zell off before he could give a more humble reply. "Kicked her ass all over Time Compression."

Zell shrugged Irvine's arm off and stepped in front of him.

"I'm actually over there with Tavarus and Tamir," Zell said, lifting his drink toward their table. "Wanna join us?"

Darla flicked her eyes back and forth between Irvine and Zell as if undecided about which one she wanted to hang out with.

"I'm actually waiting for a friend. I said I'd meet her at the bar," she said.

"Wait with us until she gets here," Zell suggested.

"Oh, that's okay. I'll be fine," she said, and then betrayed herself when her eyes slid back to Irvine.

It was tough for Zell to keep the frown off his face.

"Cool," he lied. "If you change your mind, we're right over there. It was good seeing you."

"I'm sure I'll see you around," she said.

Though he hadn't been all that interested, her rejection still hurt. As he walked away, a glance over his shoulder reveled Darla shoulder-to-shoulder with Irvine at the bar, sipping her drink as she listened to whatever line of bullshit Irvine was feeding her.

* * *

Seifer had a good, solid buzz going when he saw Xu and Quistis enter the bar. Mentally, he kicked himself for staying too long and he looked around for Raijin and Fujin to signal that it was time to split. They were nowhere to be seen.

Neither woman had spotted him, so he ducked down the hallway where the restrooms were and went out the back door. Raijin and Fujin could fend for themselves, though it looked as if they'd already left. As he made his exit, he glanced over his shoulder to make sure neither Xu or Quistis had seen him.

That proved to be a mistake. He tripped over something on the step and went sprawling. His chin hit the pavement hard enough to make him bite the inside of his cheek and he let out a curse of pain and irritation as he sat up.

Irritation turned to amusement as he spied Dincht slumped over on the steps, obviously very, very drunk. He was conscious, but barely.

"Whaddare you doin' here?" Zell slurred. "Shpost to be locked up."

"When have I ever done what I was told?" Seifer asked. "What are you doing here? I'm pretty sure this behavior is unbecoming of an instructor."

"Pshhh."

"What the matter? Your friends ditch you?"

"Shut up," Zell said. "Came on my own. I don't have friends."

Seifer got to his feet and brushed the dirt off his pants. He needed an escape plan. Though Zell was drunk enough to probably not remember this encounter in the morning, he didn't want to take that chance. Though Garden Instructors and SeeDs were not prohibiting from drinking, he knew being this drunk in public was a no-no. A plan began to form in Seifer's mind. One that would get them both off the hook if they were found out.

"Well," Seifer said. "What are we going to do about this?"

"'bout what?"

"I can't have you telling on me," Seifer said. "And I bet you can't afford to have anyone find out you were drunk and disorderly out in public."

"Don't give a shit what you do. I'm goin' t'sleep."

"Right here?" Seifer asked.

"Yup."

Zell's eyes fluttered closed and he slumped over against the top step. Seifer heaved a sigh and hoisted Zell to his feet. Zell swung on him, one hard fist catching Seifer in the side. Seifer grunted but didn't let go of the drunken martial artist, who was having a hell of a time trying to stay verticaal.

"M'not a doormat!" Zell said. "Lemmie go."

"Shut it, chicken-face."

"I AM NOT A CHICKEN!"

Zell's hard shove sent Seifer sprawling. Drunk or not, the idiot was seriously strong for his size. It had been a while since he'd had a good brawl with the kid, and Seifer had totally forgotten how strong he actually was. He landed on his ass and looked up at Zell, who was swaying from side to side, unable to stay still.

"All y'all thinkin' you know me," Zell accused. "Sick of it. M'not nice. Hate that word.."

"Who are you trying to convince?" Seifer asked as he got up. "And why do you think I give a shit?"

"And you..."

"What about me?"

"Pshhh. Hate you."

"Feeling's mutual," Seifer said. "Now, let's get the hell out of here before someone sees us. You drive here?"

"Didn't walk."

"Where's your car."

"Like I'd tell you," Zell said, sticking his finger in Seifer's face. "An' besides, you're _drunk_."

Zell swayed and plopped on the step again, his face in his hands. Seifer dragged him back to his feet, and Zell leaned heavily against his side.

"And you're not?"

"I can handle my drunk! Better than you."

Seifer snorted. "If you say so. How much did you have, anyway?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Zell shouted.

"Angry aren't we?" Seifer said. "What do you have to be angry about, Dincht? You're a fucking hero. Everybody loves you."

"Psh. Can't even get a girl to kissh me."

"Could be the fact that you stink of hot dog," Seifer said.

"Least I don't smell like evil and brimstone."

Seifer grinned to himself as he guided Zell down the alley toward the street. As much as he hated normal Zell, he almost liked drunken Zell. Drunk Zell was hilarious. But that might have been because Seifer was a little drunk himself.

"Which way is your house?" Seifer asked.

"You're not goin' t'my house."

"You gonna get there on your own?"

"Damn right! It's _my_ house and you're not welcome."

"Guess I'll have to take you back in the bar, then," Seifer said. "And let Quistis and Xu deal with you."

"Noooo," Zell said. "That would be...not good."

"Exactly. I'm doing you a favor," Seifer said. "I take you home, get you sobered up and you drive us back to Garden. If I'm with you, nobody's gonna ask questions. Get it?"

Instead of answering, Zell turned pale and vomited all over Seifer's shoes.

* * *

Notes: I've been meaning to post this chapter for over a month. I kept forgetting about it. Oops. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. I had fun writing it, silly as it is.


	3. Swindled

"What the hell are you doing in my room?"

Zell glared over at the man on the floor with distaste. Seifer sat with his back against a book case, one of Zell's sketchbooks open in his lap. Zell had about a thousand questions, such as how he'd gotten here, and what had happened the night before, but most of all, he wanted to know why Seifer was in his house, flipping through Zell's personal belongings like they were his own.

Seifer stretched lazily and yawned, pointedly ignoring Zell's question. Zell frowned and sat up.

"Almasy, I asked you a question," Zell said. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Seifer's mouth hitched up into a sneer then into a knowing grin.

"You don't remember getting so wasted you were prepared to sleep in an alley?"

"What?" Zell croaked, surprised. "When did that happen?"

"Right before I dragged your drunk ass home so Trepe wouldn't see you shitfaced in public."

The last thing Zell remembered, he was dancing with some girl on vacation from Trabia. He wracked his brain, but nothing after that was clear or even made much sense.

Now he was faced with an even more pressing question.

"You brought me home?"

Seifer's satisfied smile made Zell's hands involuntarily curl into fists. Funny how even now, just the sound of Seifer's voice could put Zell on defense.

"You're welcome," Seifer said with another lazy stretch. "Now you owe me a favor."

"I didn't ask you to do that," Zell snapped. "I owe you nothing, considering all the crap you did to me growing up. Not to mention, the _chicken_."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Seifer said. "And frankly, I don't care."

"Don't try to deny it," Zell said.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His heels landed on the carpet with a thunk and the sudden motion made his head spin. He felt kinda sick. How much had he had to drink last night?

"Deny what?"

"The chicken. On my desk."

"Wasn't me," Seifer said. "If I were so inclined to leave you a... gift, I'd be a little more creative than that."

"No one else but you would think it was funny."

"Not true," Seifer said. He flipped a page of the sketchbook and stared at it for a minute. "There are plenty of people who find your resemblance to a chicken humorous. I am merely one of many."

Zell threw off the blankets and shot to his feet. He ignored the way the room tilted a little as though he was still a little drunk.

"I don't look like a chicken!"

Seifer casually turned a page in Zell's sketchbook and ran his finger over what he saw. It really irked Zell that Seifer thought he could just put his mitts all over Zell's things like he belonged there. Zell didn't even let his good friends touch his stuff, especially not his sketchbooks. Those were private. Like a diary, but with drawings instead of words. Having Seifer look at them so casually was somehow worse than the time Selphie had started opening drawers and found his _Kung-Fu Hotdog_ character boxer shorts.

"Put that back," Zell growled. "Don't touch my stuff."

Seifer turned another page.

"These aren't bad," Seifer said. He almost sounded impressed. "Can't even draw a stick figure myself."

" _Put. It. Back._ "

Zell's fists balled up at his sides and he glared down at Seifer, ready to rearrange his oh-so smug face. .

"Touchy this morning, aren't we?"

Seifer closed the sketchbook and put it back on the shelf. He crossed his arms and looked up at Zell, unperturbed by Zell's silent threat of violence.

"Here's the deal," Seifer said. "I got you home safe last night, convinced your Ma you weren't drunk, just suffering from a bad case of food poisoning, and put your drunk, belligerent ass to bed. You have quite the vocabulary, by the way. Taught me a few new phrases."

"And?"

"I particularly enjoyed _teabag bandit_ , _leg-humping vomit jockey_ and _scrotum amputee_ , though I'm not sure what _piss biscuit_ means."

Zell didn't remember saying any of that. He couldn't remember _ever_ saying those particular phrases. Then again, when they were kids, Tavarus and Tamir used to put random words together to come up with ridiculous but hilarious phrases and insults. Had they played a drunken adult version, thus adding new and bizarre profanity to Zell's repertoire?

This was all moot. It didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that Almasy was still sitting on his bedroom floor and showed no interest in leaving.

"Get to the point," Zell growled. "Or I'll show you what it means."

Zell didn't know what it meant any more than Seifer did, but it sounded good. Nice and mean and full of gravel from spending an evening yelling, inhaling second-hand smoke, and apparently, chugging alcohol.

Seifer held up a finger and smirked.

"I also successfully avoided getting you busted by Xu and Quistis."

"You mean you successfully avoiding getting yourself busted."

"All I ask in return is a ride home and an excuse if anyone asks questions."

"Psh! You must be joking."

"I'm not."

"If you expect me to lie for you, you're gonna have to throw down a little incentive," Zell said, crossing his arms. "I have absolutely no reason in the world to lie for you."

"Sure you do. You hit me. I don't think the administration would like hearing one of their instructors got violently wasted and tried to attack a student."

"You have no proof."

Seifer pulled up the hem of his shirt to reveal a nasty bruise the size of a dinner plate on his side.

"I don't know anyone who hits hard enough to leave a bruise like this, even after a potion, besides you. I bet Cid and Squall don't either."

Zell gaped at the bruise and sat back down. Seifer had him cornered. Still, Zell was determined to not give in and be nice just because he was being coerced.

"Quit with the name calling and stupid chicken jokes and I'll consider it."

"And if I don't?"

"Have a nice walk back to Garden," Zell said. He reached for his shoes. "I'm pretty sure Squall's got a cell down in MD already waiting for you."

Seifer frowned. "Be reasonable."

Zell snorted and laced his high tops.

"Reasonable? I'd say asking to stop with the stupid, childish name-calling is pretty reasonable."

"Fine."

"Fine what?"

"I'll stop with the name calling."

"From now on, you will only refer to me as Instructor Dincht."

The look on Seifer was one of abject pain. Like it physically hurt him to agree to this. Like refraining from any sort of name-calling caused him extreme discomfort. Zell didn't think Seifer was going to agree, but it was fun to watch him squirm for a change.

"...fine."

"Fine _what_?"

"Instructor Dincht."

"That's better," Zell said. He grabbed his car keys and got up. "Let's come up with a cover story."

* * *

 _ **fishwife69:**_ _Thx for the pix. Your hot._

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Aww, that's sweet. Thanks. _

_**Fishwife69:** we should meet. Want to find out if those abs of yours are real. _

Selphie giggled and bounced in her seat, excited that she'd gotten one that was really interested in meeting Zell. Sure, fishwife69 was a little older than Selphie's ideal for Zell, but playing the field didn't hurt. Who know? Maybe Zell liked them older.

She frowned as she realized she didn't really know what Zell's type was. She knew about his crush on Angie, but one crush didn't define a whole preference. And in her experience, crushes tended to be on the ideal and imagined version of a person, not the actual person themselves.

But this was good. Fishwife was definitely interested.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Would you be interested in a double date? My best good friends are going out to the fish camp tonight for fried shrimp and beer. Would you like to join us?_

 _ **fishwife69:** It would be more fun if we met alone, if you know what I mean, but I guess a double would be fun, too. Can't say no to free shrimp and beer! _

"Booyaka!" Selphie shouted at the computer screen. "It's a date."

 _ **hotdog0317:** Awesome! I'll meet you at the front door, say around 7? You know what I look like, but my friend Irvine will be wearing a big cowboy hat and his super cute and gorgeous girlfriend will be wearing bright yellow._

 _ **Fishwife69:** I'll be there, sweetheart. Though, I may forget to wear a certain article of clothing. Wanna guess what it is, hot stuff? Or would you like to wait and find out later?_

Selphie's eyes widened and she bit her lip in confusion. Why would anyone go on a date not fully dressed? Selphie shrugged and started to type a response but a second one popped up before she could finish her reply.

 _ **Fishwife69:** I'll let you think about it. Think real hard on it. :)_

 _ **hotdog0317:** Sure! By the way, what's your name?_

 _ **Fishwife69:** Olga_

 _ **hotdog0317:** I'm Zell. Can't wait to meet you!_

 _ **Fishwife69:** You're not Maureen Dincht's boy are you?_

Uh-oh. Selphie wasn't sure if she wanted to answer that question or not.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Okay, see you at 7, Olga. Buhbye!_

Selphie logged off the computer an stretched, still pondering what article of clothing Olga might fail to wear, but she couldn't come up with anything that made sense. A weird, bad feeling about this settled in the pit of her stomach, but she shook it off and jumped to her feet. She had things to do. First, she had to convince Irvine they were going to dinner, and second, she had to convince Zell that he was going with them and that he was going on a blind date.

That had all sounded a lot easier in her head, but Zell was still pretty angry with her. She hadn't expected him to be so angry or for so long. Usually, he got over stuff pretty quickly, but he'd barely acknowledged her for the last few days.

"IRVINE!" she shouted. "IRVINE, WE'RE GOING TO DINNER TONIGHT!"

Irvine's mumbled response from the bedroom was unintelligible. Selphie bounded over to the bedroom door and peeked in to see her boyfriend sprawled face-down across the entire bed wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. She frowned and stormed over to the bed and gave him a violent shake.

"WAKE UP!"

"Mhhmfpt."

"IT'S TEN AM, IRVINE!"

"Hyne have mercy, Seffie," he groaned. "Do you have to yell?"

Selphie narrowed her eyes. "If you don't get out of this bed in the next minute, yelling won't be the only thing you have to worry about."

"C'mon," he complained. "I had a late night."

"Not my fault," she said. "What kept you so late, anyway? The Junk Shop closes at ten."

"...flat tire," he said.

"LIAR!" she shouted. "You're a terrible, awful liar, Irvine Kinneas. You were out with that cafeteria skank, wern't you?"

"What are you talking about?"

He looked genuinely confused. So maybe he wasn't out with Little Miss Big Boobs, but he was up to something. She could tell.

"Where were you really?"

"Fine," he said and rolled over. "If you must know, I was at the bar."

"WHAT?!"

"Let me finish," he said. "I was for a good cause."

"And what kind of good cause happens at a bar, hmmm?"

"I was teaching Zell how to pick up girls, okay?" Irvine said. "The boy is in pathetic shape. He needed a little guidance and a solid wing man. How could I say no?"

"I thought he wasn't talking to you either," Selphie said suspiciously. "Yesterday, you told me he walked right by without even saying hello!"

"Yeah, he did," Irvine said. "And then I figured out the reason he was so pissed is because you girls cry all over him like he's one of your girlfriends, which is totally emasculating, by the way. So I helped him out."

He propped himself up on his elbows and grinned that slow, easy grin that always made her melt. Selphie wanted to stay angry and suspicious, but when he looked at her like that, it was hard to stay mad.

"So what were you saying about dinner?"

* * *

In the end, Seifer and Zell didn't even need a cover story. Seifer's absence had gone unnoticed, thanks to Raijin and Fujin's lie about Seifer being in the training center. The training center grounds were vast and it would have been difficult to locate anyone without a thorough search of the place. They parted ways at the cafeteria without so much as a word.

Zell didn't believe for a second that Seifer would stop calling him names, but he figured, even if he got two weeks of peace out of the deal, he'd be happy. In the cafeteria, he ordered a sandwich and a drink and headed to the garage to work on the vehicle the cadet had mangled. He ate as he walked and was finished by the time he got to his classroom.

It was blessedly quiet in the garage, and Zell spent the next two hours tearing apart the front end so he could fix the bumper and the mangled quarter panel. Normally, he would have blasted some music but the lingering effects of too much booze left him with a slight headache, even after chasing his morning coffee with a potion.

Zell's focus was such that he didn't hear the footsteps behind him until the visitor was upon him.

"HELP?"

Zell dropped his wrench and jumped in surprise at the sound of Fujin's loud bark. He peered up at her, relieved to see Seifer wasn't with her. He'd had enough of Seifer for a lifetime.

"I'm almost done," Zell said.

He really wasn't, and Fujin knew it. She eyed the crumpled metal on the floor and the bumper and shook her head.

"PROUD."

"Naw," Zell said. "I just had a rough night. Prefer to take out my frustrations where no one can see me."

"AFIRMATIVE."

Zell thought Fujin might go away then, but she didn't. She produced a cup of coffee from behind her back and handed it to him. He blinked at her in confusion.

"DRINK."

Zell's first instinct was to refuse. His second was to run away screaming. Hyne knew what she'd done to the coffee, or what Seifer had done. He imagined a thousand different and increasingly disgusting things that might be in there besides coffee. Spit. Bugs. Meal worms. Fertilizer. Urine. Poison. Things that were even worse than that.

"CLEAN," Fujin said with exaggerated patience.

"Seifer didn't take a crap in it did he?"

Fujin's eye narrowed. "NO."

"Sorry," Zell said as he took the cup from her. "You know I had to ask."

"OFFENDED."

Shit. He hadn't meant to offend her, but hell, over the years, Zell distinctly recalled in the midst of every Seifer-related torment Fujin had been there in the background, laughing.

"Sorry," he said again. He lifted the cup. As a show of trust, he took a sip. It wasn't bad, but he braced himself for laughter and heckling, just in case. None came. "Thanks Fujin."

Fujin crouched down and inspected the twisted bumper with some interest while Zell took another sip of the coffee.

"FIX."

"I'm getting there," Zell said.

"HELP."

"You don't have to do that, Fuu," Zell said. "I got it."

A stubborn look crossed her face as she picked the bumper up and carried it to the worktable. Zell sighed. Well, if she insisted, Zell wasn't opposed to the idea, though why Fujin would rather be here helping than hanging out with the other two idiots, Zell didn't know. At least she was good at this stuff. It wasn't like Raijin was offering to help.

Zell shrugged and returned to his work. Fujin didn't say a word as she worked and neither did Zell. After a while, Zell realized he actually didn't mind Fujin being there as much as he thought he would. It wasn't like she was chatty, so there were no stupid questions or attempts to make conversation. It was like being alone but having an extra pair of hands to get the work done.

It was mid-afternoon by the time Zell had all the dents worked out of the quarter panel and the part re-installed. Fujin had done a pretty good job un-mangling the bumper and Zell stood back to survey the work. It actually looked better than what the garage in town probably would have done.

"Not bad," he said.

"TEAMWORK."

Zell held out his fist. Fujin bumped it with a grin and crossed her arms, looking unusually pleased. This wasn't the look she got when a particular torment had the desired impact on the victim. It was pride. Zell's wary hostility kicked down a notch and he grinned back at her.

"Thanks for the help," he said.

"WELCOME."

"Well, I think we're done here," he said. "I'm gonna clean up and grab some food."

"AFIRMATIVE."

Zell hadn't meant it as an invite, but Fujin followed behind him and joined him in the line at the counter in the cafeteria. It was Zell's lucky day. Not only did they have hot dogs, they had a lot of them. Zell ordered five, doused them in all the toppings, grabbed a few extra mustard packets and looked around the cafeteria for a seat. He spotted his friends at the usual table, but he still didn't feel like talking to them. Selphie spied him and instead of waving her over as usual, she turned her face away and whispered something to Irvine.

Humph. Whatever. He could eat by himself.

He chose a table near the back and was surprised when Fujin slid into the chair across from him with her own tray laden with hot dogs. He could feel the stares on his back from his usual table, but he didn't dare turn around. Instead, he took a big bite of his first hot dog in weeks and moaned happily.

"FIGHTING?"

"What?" he asked through a mouthful of bread.

"FRIENDS."

"Oh, yeah, well..." he shrugged. He didn't feel like talking about it. "Just sort of... Not feeling it lately."

"STARING."

"They can stare all they want," Zell fired back. "I don't care. Buncha traitors..."

Fujin blinked at him and offered what could have been a smile of understanding or maybe she had a stomach cramp. Zell wasn't really sure.

"DISAGREEMENT?"

"Sorta," Zell said. He set down the hot dog in his hand. "I just get so sick of being the guy they come to when they have problems. I mean, I don't mind it most of the time because they're my friends and all, but damn. It's all the time, Fuu. It's just really getting to me lately. I got stuff too, you know?"

"SAME."

"Is that why you're hanging out with me instead of Seifer?"

Fujin gave him a curt nod and took a bite of hot dog. Zell frowned at her and leaned his chin on the palm of his hand. He'd always figured the three of them were inseparable, but he had noticed in class that Fujin seemed less than thrilled at times to be associated with those two, especially when they were being idiots.

"CHILDISH," Fujin said. She cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I feel you," Zell said.

There were a lot of people who didn't understand Fujin's barking, single word statements. Zell used to be one of those people. He'd found it scary and sort of aggressive, but now that he paid attention, he could usually figure out her meaning by her body language and expression.

What he didn't understand was why the they were sharing like this. They'd never been friendly, never moved in the same circles and had never had anything in common until now. Zell's memories of her mostly consisted of either hiding from her, running from her or being held down by her so Seifer could pour chocolate pudding down his shorts.

Zell scowled at that memory and pushed away his tray, suddenly without an appetite. How had things suddenly become such a mess? He didn't like feeling angry about stuff, and he didn't like being angry at his friends. Yet he couldn't make himself get up and go join them at their table. Maybe he was being childish for holding a grudge, but an apology from anyone, particularly Selphie would have gone a long, long way.

A low, deep chuckle to his left made Zell look up and instantly scowl. Seifer stood there, an expression of amused confusion on his face as his eyes flicked back and forth between Zell and Fujin.

"This is interesting," Seifer said. "I've been looking all over the goddamn Garden for you, Fuu and I find you consorting with the enemy."

"DISMISSED," Fujin said without bothering to look in Seifer's direction.

"What the hell?" Seifer complained. "What did I do to you?"

"MUSTARD," Fujin barked at Zell and held out her hand.

Zell suddenly felt like he was a kid again as he handed Fujin his spare mustard packet, fearing that if he didn't surrender the last of his mustard, he would earn a swift kick in the shin. Or worse.

"Seriously, Fuu, whatever I did to piss you off isn't worth hanging out with chicken-head to get back at me," Seifer said. "You're only hurting yourself."

"Hey, I thought you agreed to stop calling me names!"

"I did," Seifer said. "And I fulfilled my end of the bargain."

"You just called me chicken head," Zell said.

"So I did. We didn't agree on how long the truce would last. Five minutes seemed fair," Seifer said and returned his attention to Fujin. "Come on, Fuu. Knock off the passive-aggressive bullshit and let's go."

"RAGE!" Fujin shouted and shot to her feet.

Faster than Zell could intervene, Fujin's foot collided with Seifer's shin like a viper strike. Seifer let out a howl and a curse and his hand snaked out to seize the collar of Fujin's shirt. Zell, who never would have gotten in the middle of a posse brawl before, cracked his knuckles and got to his feet. He reached out and wrapped a hand around Seifer's wrist and pried it away from Fujin.

"Leave her alone," Zell said in his coldest, deadliest voice. "Unless you'd like me to snap your wrist."

Seifer snarled but released Fujin before he turned his eyes on Zell.

"It's not your business chicken face," Seifer said. "Stay out of it."

Zell snorted but didn't release Seifer's wrist.

"She told you to go away. You didn't," Zell said. "That's harassment, and that makes it my business. So, move along before you wind up down in MD with the rats."

For nearly a full minute, Zell and Seifer glared hatred at one another. Zell half expected Seifer to tackle him to the ground and go for the wedgie like he used to.

"Well, aren't you just a knight in shining armor," Seifer said. "Fine, Fuu. If you'd rather hang out and compare feathers, be my guest."

Zell released him and watched as Seifer visibly collected himself. He turned away, but not before spitting out the word, "Traitor," as he left.

Fujin sat slowly, her eyes fixed to the table. Zell returned to his spot, a little stunned by what he'd just participated in.

"You okay?" he finally asked.

"AFIRMATIVE," Fujin said.

"What was that about?"

"You really want to know?" Fujin asked, dropping her voice low. Zell was stunned to hear her speaking in full sentences.

"Sure," Zell said. "Look, why don't we get some ice cream and go somewhere where we're not being stared at?"

They went to the Quad, where only a handful of students were enjoying the nice day. Most were studying or gathered in small groups, and only one or two dared to give them more than a curious glance. Zell didn't know why he cared about Fujin's problems when he had plenty of his own to worry about, but he did.

"So what did he do?" Zell finally asked.

"It's just a lot of little things," she said. Her normal speaking voice was soft and sort of raspy. "He acts like I don't have feelings. Like I'm just one of the guys. Tells me all his problems and worries and doubts, but the second I have them, I'm just being stupid or overreacting and nothing compares to the mess inside his head."

It wasn't all that different than what Zell was dealing with. Especially with Selphie. Zell felt an unexpected empathy and kinship with Fujin that he never expected to feel. It was weird. And a little unsettling.

"But, mostly it's because they stranded me at the bar last night. He talks about how we've got each other's back but when it comes down to it, the only back Seifer watches is his own," Fujin said. "I tried to call him ten times and he never picked up. I had to walk back. Alone."

"Man, that sucks," Zell said. "I know you can take care of yourself, but a girl alone at night in that part of town...that stinks."

"Hmm," she agreed. "I get that he's going through stuff, but..."

"Aren't we all?" Zell asked and took a bite of his ice cream. "Everybody's got stuff. It's not an excuse to be a dick to everyone..."

A soon as the words came out of Zell's mouth, he felt really bad about the way he'd been acting. Yes, Selphie was a pain in the ass. And yes, Irvine was a creep. And no one had come to talk to him but Quistis, but maybe that was because he was acting like a great big baby instead of handling it like an adult.

Zell sighed to himself and decided he needed to be the one to extend an olive branch, at the very least to Quistis. She hadn't deserved to be treated the way he'd treated her.

"He never used to be like that. He had my back, no matter what. I compromised everything I had going to follow him because I believed that he believed it was right," Fujin said. "I don't know if I can do that anymore and I feel like shit about it. I know better than anyone what she did to him, and I know how messed up he is. But, I want different things. Better things, and he's content to just bitch and complain and keep being a mess because it's easier than trying to be better."

She took a bite of her ice cream and stared out at the mountains.

"And I really want to stick with him,," she said. "He's just... I get tired of trying to fix him. He doesn't want my help. He doesn't want to change or grow up, and I can't force him to."

It struck Zell how strange this was as he finished off the last of his ice cream. The fact that Fujin was confessing all of this to him and the fact that he was actually listening was something that would not have happened before. Zell didn't even mind it. It was a distraction from his own worries.

"He might be here because he has no other option, but I actually want to become a SeeD and do something with myself. The three of us got a second chance and I don't want to waste it..." she said. "I'm not playing around this time. I need this."

"I can tell," Zell said. He nudged her arm with his elbow gently. "You're my best student, you know. I probably shouldn't say that, but it's the truth."

Fujin finally looked at him and Zell saw an unexpected vulnerability hiding behind her surprise.

"Thanks," she said. "I needed to hear that."

"I wish I could tell you it'll get better," Zell said. "I'm sorta in the same boat, though. Maybe it's just part of growing up. The things you wanted a year ago seem kinda dumb, you know? You look back and it's like... I'm not that person anymore and we're all going in different directions. I always thought friendships were forever, but if they're purely one sided, what's the point, right? You gotta look after yourself first," Zell paused. "...does that sound selfish?"

Fujin shook her head. "Not at all."

Zell felt like he had to clarify something all of a sudden.

"Look, I mean, I'd do anything for them," Zell said. "If Selphie came to me right now and said Ultimecia was trying to take over her brain, I'd stand up and fight for her, even though it's always about her. I would, in a heartbeat, it's just that..."

"Yeah," Fujin agreed. "I feel the same way."

Zell hadn't expected a conversation with Fujin would make him feel better, but it did. It was kind of nice to talk to someone on the same page, in the same place as he was. At least he wasn't over reacting as much as he thought maybe he was. He still needed to apologize to Quistis, though. The rest, well, whatever, but he felt really bad about being rude to her.

"Thanks for talking to me," Fujin said. "And, for letting me get that off my chest."

"Any time, Fuu," Zell said. "Hope you guys work things out."

"It is what it is," Fujin said. She pushed away from the rail and offered a half smile. "Good luck with your stuff."

"Yeah," he said. "See you in class."

Zell watched her leave and spent the next ten minutes composing his apology to Quistis in his head. Nothing sounded right, but he supposed an awkward apology was better than letting her think he was mad at her.

As he left the Quad, Angie approached him looking shame-faced and Zell braced himself for bad news. The look on her face told him everything he needed to know.

"Um, about the social..." she began.

"Let me guess. The jerk changed his mind and you wanna go with him instead."

"Well, he broke up with his girlfriend," she said without looking Zell in the eye, "and asked if I still wanted to go...and I said yes."

That was a kick in the face that Zell didn't need right now. He was already down, already wounded from being a last resort, and now he wasn't anything. He went sort of numb as he watched her struggle not to be happy about going with her first choice, even though he'd treated her like crap. Irvine was right. You couldn't be too nice or they walked all over you.

"...whatever," Zell said.

"I'm sorry," Angie said. "Maybe we could do something fun together some other time."

Seriously? Now she was offering a pity date? That was the last straw and Zell was done bothering with her. He felt sort of stupid for liking her in the first place, when as it stood, he didn't see much to like anymore. He didn't want friends that treated him like a back-up plan or a last resort. That's what she was doing, and Zell didn't want to be used like that. Nor did he have any interest in going out with her anymore. She was not even close to the person he'd imagined she was and that sucked.

But it was his own fault. He hadn't really known her. He'd just made her out to be his fantasy girl in his head when really, she was just kind of... heartless.

"Yeah, I don't think so," Zell said. "Your new boyfriend probably wouldn't like that too much."

"Don't be like that," Angie pleaded. "Please don't be like that."

"Like what?" Zell snapped. "Upset that you'd rather go with a guy that treated you like shit than a guy that actually wanted to go with you?"

"Zell-"

"Save it," he said coldly. "I hope it works out for you."

But inside, Zell's heart cracked in two.

* * *

Zell did not go find Quistis as planned. Instead, he retreated to his room, buried himself under the blankets and vowed never to leave his room again. It wasn't just that he got his feelings hurt. It wasn't just that Angie had only seen him as a back-up plan. It was everything. His friends. Seifer. Fujin. Angie. Even his Ma was on his list right now.

He dozed for a while and woke when he heard a light tap on the door. He didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to see anyone or hear any pep talks, he just wanted to sleep and feel sorry for himself. He ignored the knock and put a pillow over his head to drown out any further attempts to rouse him.

"Zell?" Quistis' voice called. "Please open the door."

Quistis was the one person he couldn't be mad at, besides Squall, and Squall was only off the hook because he was too busy to notice. He considered pretending he wasn't there, but then felt guilty for shutting her out. Reluctantly, he got out of bed and let her in.

She looked wary, and after their last conversation, Zell supposed he didn't blame her.

"Checking in," she said. "You look like you've had a rough day."

"Yeah."

"...will you tell me what's wrong?" she asked. "Please? I feel like I did something to upset you and if I did, I'm sorry."

Zell shook his head and plopped down onto the bed.

"It isn't you, Quistis," he said. "I'm sorry for being rude. None of this is your fault."

Quistis cautiously took a seat at his desk and looked at him with that motherly concern Zell so hated.

"Talk to me," she said. "Please?"

Zell shrugged. He didn't even know where to begin. After a minute of silence, he told her about Angie, and then about Selphie and Rinoa always coming to him with their problems and how they never returned the favor. He left out Irvine's advice, certain that Quistis would lecture him at length about how wrong Irvine was, when so far, all Zell had seen was confirmation of Irvine's rightness.

Quistis got up from the desk to sit beside him.

"Can I give you a hug?" she asked.

Zell was about to protest, but suddenly, a hug from a friend was something he really, really needed. He let Quistis draw him into a sisterly embrace and he felt better at having spilled his guts and being the receiver of a hug rather than the giver for a change.

"We should form a club," Quistis said. "For pathetic, lonely singles."

Zell laughed under his breath and gave Quistis a squeeze.

"Meeting in progress," he said.

"I feel like I should have brought wine and cookies," Quistis said. "And a big box of tissues."

Zell laughed louder and reached for the box on his desk. "Got that covered."

He sobered and stared at his hands for a minute.

"Do you think I'm too nice?" he asked.

"Sometimes," Quistis said.

Zell was instantly offended.

"Being a nice guy is a _good_ thing," Quistis said. "It really is, but...I think you've been so nice that you let Selphie think there are no boundaries. It is possible to be nice and also set restrictions on what is and isn't appropriate. She comes to you because she knows you won't throw her out like the rest of us will."

Hmm. Maybe she had a point.

"She tried coming to my door at four in the morning exactly once," Quistis said. "I felt bad for her, I let her in, let her cry and then made sure she understood how rude it was to show up at that hour to complain about Irvine leaving his socks on the floor."

Zell burst out laughing. That sounded like Selphie.

"She didn't talk to me for a week after that," Quistis said. "But she got my point."

"So, she doesn't show up speaking in tongues and howling like a banshee anymore?" Zell asked, wondering if it would work for him.

"No," Quistis said with a little smile. "Not once."

"Hmmm," Zell said. "Well, maybe my meltdown will keep her from coming back."

"It might," Quistis said. "By the way, would you like to be my date for the social?"

Zell's eyes widened and then narrowed.

"Are you asking because you feel sorry for me?"

"Not at all," Quistis said. "I don't have a date and I was planning on going alone, but since we're both single, I thought it would be fun to go as friends."

"I dunno, Quis," he said. "Seems kinda desperate."

"Are you calling me desperate?" Quistis asked.

"No, just... I don't want a pity date."

"I don't pity you," Quistis said. "I empathize, but I don't pity. Besides. There's no one else I'd rather go with. And, I know you'll dance with me and you won't step all over my feet."

She nudged him with her elbow and Zell sighed. He had a feeling it really was a pity date, but then again, he liked Quistis and her suggestion made sense. If they'd both be going, then why not go together?

"Sure," Zell said. "I'll go."

"Good," Quistis said. "I'll be wearing red if you feel like matching."

"I can do red," he said. Then he laughed. "Do you know how pissed the Trepies will be when we show up together?"

"I'd rather think about the look on Angie's face when she sees you upgraded," Quistis said. Then she winced. "Sorry. That sounded so much better in my head. I'm really not that conceited. Or mean."

Zell laughed and dropped an arm around Quistis shoulder. "Well, you're not wrong. You're Quistis Trepe. Object of desire among 50% of Garden males aged 13-25. And a surprising number of young ladies as well."

"Stop," Quistis said, hiding a smile. "You're terrible."

"I speak the truth," Zell said. "They're gonna hate me."

"Do you care?"

"Nah," Zell said. "Hey, my mom's sorta making me come to her brunch thing tomorrow. You wanna come with? It's just a bunch of her friends, but there will be food. And after, a couple of my buddies from town are having a party at the beach. We could stop by for a bit after. You know, if you felt like getting out of here for a bit."

"How can I turn down your Ma's cooking?" she said. "I'd be happy to go. Hyne knows, if I hang around here, I'll just end up working."

"Cool," Zell said. "Pack a bathing suit and a change of clothes. I'll swing by and get you about nine, okay?"

"Sure," she said. "So what are you doing the rest of the night?"

"Gonna hang out here, maybe read for a while. Get some sleep."

"Okay," Quistis said. "I should be going. Xu was expecting me twenty minutes ago."

She pressed a kiss to his temple before saying goodbye and Zell lay down on his bed, feeling a lot better.

He'd just settled back in when a fierce banging on his door sent him to his feet. He knew exactly who it was, just by the cadence and volume of the knocking.

"I know you're in there," Selphie singsonged. "Open up! I wanna talk to you."

Zell sighed and opened the door a crack. Selphie took that as an invitation to barge on in. She grinned widely and flopped onto his bed. At least she wasn't crying.

"So, Irvine and were supposed to double date with a friend of mine, but her date canceled," Selphie said.

"And?"

"She's a really nice lady, Zell!" Selphie said. "Confident and outgoing and she thinks you're super cute."

"What?" Zell asked confused. "How does she know what I look like?"

"I showed her your picture, silly!"

"What are you asking me here?" he wondered. "And why are you showing my picture to random women?"

"Duh! I want you to be her date so we're not lopsided," Selphie said. "Come on, It'll be fun. We're going out for shrimp and beer and you can't say no, okay? And it's my treat. Irvy and I are paying for everything."

"I don't think so, Seffie," Zell said. "I'm not really in the mood."

"I _SAID_ I wouldn't take no for an answer," Selphie said. She bounced off the bed and disappeared into the closet. A shirt flew out and hit him in the chest. "Put that on. We're gonna be late."

"I don't really wanna go," Zell said as the sound of hangers and things moving around inside filled the room. "Or be …. set up. I'm not that desperate."

"You're going and that's final," the closet said and chucked a pair of pants at him. "No debating. Olga is a really nice lady and you're going to have fun."

"Olga?" Zell asked. "That's an old lady name."

Zell knew an Olga. She was an old lady that hung around the beach in a bikini that didn't fit and chain smoked. She drank cheap vodka from a thermos and hit on all the young male tourists. The locals had some unflattering nicknames for her, the least offensive being "the Predator," for her unwanted and sometimes aggressive attention to young men in their late teens or early twenties.

It couldn't be the same person. Zell did not believe Selphie would be so cruel as to set him up with Olga, Patron Saint of Lung Cancer. She knew how much he hated smoking. And she knew he would never be interested in a woman older than his mother.

"What difference does it make?" Selphie asked. "She's nice and she's interested in you! I promise, you'll like her."

Zell frowned as a bad feeling boiled up in the pit of his stomach.

* * *

Notes: Be very worried for Zell.

Thanks for all the follows, faves and reviews! I love hearing from you guys, so keep the reviews coming! They encourage me to keep writing.

I'm going to change my posting schedule from this point forward. I currently have 4 active fics I'm working on, once I post the epilogue for STIUTK, so I'm going to rotate my updates. Probably an update a week, either Tuesdays or Sundays. Basically, each one will get an update once a month from now on to avoid ignoring a story that readers are enjoying.


	4. Blind Date

Note: The section in the middle, (after Zell leaves the table) contains some uncomfortable and sexually inappropriate content. It is not meant to be humorous or make light of sexual assault or aggression - there was a reader concern that this was an attempt at cheap humor when it is anything but, so I wanted to post a warning ahead of time and clear up any misconception or reader perception that the incident in the restroom is supposed to be *anything* but horrible. Apologies to anyone this may have offended.

* * *

Zell stood next to Irvine outside the restaurant, his arms crossed and in no mood to be there. He had half a mind to take off, get a rental and go back to Garden. His bad feeling about this "date" grew as he saw Olga the Predator approach, dressed in what appeared to be a hot pink slip or nightgown, house shoes and a frightfully bad wig in an unnatural shade of red. She had a lit cigarette in one hand and a bottle of gin in the other. Slung over her shoulder was a handbag big enough to fit all of Zell's belongings inside.

"Irvine, please tell me Selphie didn't set me up with the Predator," Zell murmured.

"I don't know who it is, to be honest with you," Irvine said with a grin. "But if it is, you have a 100% chance of getting laid tonight, my friend."

"You are disgusting," Zell said with a dark frown.

Selphie bounced out of the restaurant and announced their table was ready, just as Olga stepped onto the sidewalk and eyed Zell like a dog eying a meaty bone. A shudder of distaste passed through his whole body and he stepped back instinctively as Olga puckered her crimson-painted lips.

"You made it!" Selphie cried to the woman. "Perfect timing. Let's all go inside, shall we?"

Zell turned his eyes on Selphie and glared at her.

"You've got to be kidding me," he said. "This is a joke, right?"

Olga took a puff on her cigarette, then used it to light another. She blew the smoke in Zell's direction and he almost turned around and left. If not for Selphie's ferocious grip on his arm and her hard yank toward the door, Zell would have run for the hills.

"She's nice," Selphie hissed in his ear. "Give her a chance. A guy like you can't be too picky, you know."

"A guy like me?" Zell asked, suddenly fuming mad. "What do you mean by that?"

Selphie rolled her eyes and dragged him inside. Behind him, Zell heard the sound of Irvine's amused laughter as Olga reached out and gave Zell's left butt cheek a hard pinch. He yelped and spun around to give the woman a glare of warning, but it was lost on her. She had turned her sights on Irvine.

"Well, aren't you a tall, strapping young lad?" she rasped. "Bet you know how to show a lady a good time."

"I reckon I do, ma'am," Irvine said with a tip of his hat. "Sadly, I'm taken."

"We'll see about that," she said.

She gave Irvine's lean chest a lusty caress and pinched his nipple through his shirt. Irvine visibly jumped but didn't make a sound.

"Not so funny now, is it?" Zell said under his breath as they were led to their table.

Zell's ears and cheeks burned as they were seated. He clenched his jaw and his fists balled up in his lap as he tried to think of a time he'd been more uncomfortable than he was now. He couldn't come up with anything. Not even getting pantsed by Almasy in the cafeteria to a chant of "teeny weenie peeny" when he was 13 and scrawny had been this awkward or uncomfortable.

He was so paralyzed by his anger and discomfort, he couldn't speak or respond to Selphie's gush of praise for him. To Zell, Selphie sounded like a used car salesman attempting to sell the virtues of a clunker. All he could do was sit there and try not to punch someone as Olga blew another mouthful of smoke in his general direction.

"Zell's the best hand to hand fighter in all of Garden," Selphie said.

"I'd love to see what he can do with those hands," Olga said suggestively.

"He's really good at fixing stuff, too, so if you need, you know, plumbing repairs or something, Zell's your guy."

"I bet you are," Olga said. "My plumbing definitely needs some attention."

Irvine pressed his lips together and tried unsuccessfully to hide his laughter. His face turned red and he banged a fist against the table and Zell suddenly felt like he was going to commit a murder.

"Keep laughing and I'm gonna fix your face," he growled at Irvine.

The waitress came with glasses of ice water and as she set them on the table, she frowned at Olga, who was steadily puffing away on her third cigarette since her arrival.

"There's no smoking in the dining area," the waitress said. "You're welcome to smoke on the patio."

"No problem, sweetheart," Olga said. Then, she dropped her lit cigarette in Zell's glass of ice water and smiled at the girl. "Bring me a gin and tonic. Hold the tonic."

The waitress took the rest of their drink orders and then left them without bothering to replace Zell's tainted water. As soon as she walked away, Olga lit another cigarette and began to puff on it like her life depended on it. A cloud of smoke drifted Zell's way and the acrid scent burned his nostrils.

He was so furious, he couldn't do anything or say anything. He wanted to. He wanted to leave. He wanted to tell Selphie off, but he couldn't. So overwhelmed by anger he was that he feared, if he said or did anything, it would be something he couldn't take back or undo. Instead, he just sat there and hoped that he could get through the evening without killing anyone.

"So, big boy," Olga said. "Did you figure out what article of clothing I forgot to wear?"

Zell blinked stupidly at her as the suggestive question made all the synapses in his brain short circuit. It was not a question he ever wanted to know the answer to. He could die right here on the spot and be satisfied with his ignorance.

"It's your bra, right?" Selphie said. "You didn't wear a bra!"

Olga ignored her and looked at Zell across the table. She wiggled an eyebrow at him and Zell repressed the urge to run. If his Ma heard about this, she would kill him.

"Um, no offense, but it's kinda weird to forget your underwear on purpose," Selphie said. "Like, I totally couldn't get away with not wearing my bra out in public."

"Don't judge, Selphie," Irvine said with a grin. "I wouldn't mind it one bit."

"You say that now, but in ten years..."

Something touched Zell's leg under the table and he tensed. He hoped it was something benign, like a giant cockroach or a rabid squirrel, but as it traveled steadily upward, he knew he wasn't going to be that lucky. A foot inserted itself between his knees and he shot to his feet with a yelp and bolted for the men's room.

He did not care how it might look to everyone else as he fled. He did not care that he could hear Irvine's howls of laughter behind him as he retreated from the nightmarish twist the evening had taken. He nearly ran to the bathroom and once inside, he threw cold water on his face and leaned his palms against the counter by the sink.

This was definitely not what he'd imagined when Selphie had said her friend needed a date. He'd pictured someone their own age or close to it, at least. That would have been awkward enough, but how in the holy hell had Selphie become friends with Olga? Granted, Selphie would talk to anyone who gave her even a second of attention, but seriously? In what universe did Selphie think Zell would have any interest in Olga? Had Selphie actually set him up on a date with the woman in hopes of making a match? Did he really seem that desperate?

As he stared at his reflection in the mirror, he felt like crying. Was he really so pathetic, Selphie had thought his only option for a girlfriend was a chain smoking, borderline pedophile that was older than his Ma?

No. No, that could not be true. Trusting Selphie's opinion on anything was like trusting a T-rexaur not to rip your head off. She was the queen of bad judgment. She meant well and only saw the best in people. Still, it was hard not to be furious with her. The whole thing was humiliating and Irvine would never, ever let this go. It would be a joke for years to come. Zell would never live this incident down.

Somewhat calmer, Zell decided to return to the table and finish the evening, though it was a bad idea. He would get through this, and then refuse any and all future offers of dinner with Selphie, just in case she got any bright ideas. It couldn't be any worse than it already was. Could it?

The answer to that question came when the bathroom door opened and Olga, in all her horrible glory, appeared. She puffed on her cigarette and tossed it into the sink and grinned at Zell with a broad, snaggle-toothed smile. Tendrils of smoke curled around her head as a predatory gleam made her beady eyes sparkle under the soft amber light.

"This is the men's room," he said stupidly.

"So it is," she said. "This ain't my first rodeo, boy."

Zell backed away as she advanced on him but there was nowhere to go. She stood between Zell and the door and blocked him when he tried to make a bid for freedom. Slowly but surely, she cornered him in a stall and pinned him in.

"Playing hard to get," Olga said. "I like that."

"Look, I'm not really interested... I don't know what Selphie told you, but, I'm not- urk!"

She reached out and pinned him back against the partition next to the toilet and ran her hands all over his chest. Gnarled fingers plucked at the buttons of his shirt and Zell repressed the urge to scream or vomit.

He could have beaten her to a pulp, could have made her stop, but something about wailing on an old lady didn't sit right with him. Maybe it was because he was too nice, or just because underneath the layers of make-up and aggressive sexual innuendo, she was just a desperate, drunken woman. As much as he hated this, he hated the idea of hurting her more. He would just have to escape her clutches somehow.

"Like they say, once you go old, you never go back," Olga said as she untucked his shirt from his jeans.

"I'm pretty sure nobody says that," Zell said.

Zell wrenched away from her as her fingers wrapped around his belt. In a panic, he climbed up on the toilet and desperately looked for a way over the partition.

Olga grabbed his thigh and her fingers wrapped around it and squeezed. Her hand swept upward toward his groin and Zell yelped and lost his footing on the toilet seat. He fell backward and smacked his head against the tile wall hard enough to blur his vision. Olga was all over him in an instant. She pawed at him like a zombie in search of vital organs and Zell freaked. She was oddly strong for a woman her age, and she pinned him back against the wall with a lot more ease than seemed possible.

This was the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing Zell had ever experienced. And it wasn't over yet. Olga puckered her lips and leaned toward him. She smelled like moth balls and cigarettes, gin and stale laundry. Zell held his breath so he wouldn't have to breathe it in, but Olga was determined, and the closer she came, the worse it was.

"Give mama a kiss!"

"Aghaaaaa!" Zell cried as he struggled to free himself. "I don't want to kiss you! Lemmie go!"

Olga's lips moved closer and Zell, now very desperate, slid down the wall until his butt hit the floor. Olga was in his lap in an instant and he felt her dry, wrinkly lips on his cheek. The sensation made his skin crawl and he whimpered in terror as he tried to hide his head.

"Don't be so shy," she murmured. "I'll make a man out of you yet. Just don't tell your Ma."

"You're making it really hard not to hit you, lady," Zell said through gritted teeth. "Get OFF ME."

The bathroom door creaked open and the sound of high heels against tile startled them both.

"Zell?" Quistis' voice called. "Are you in here?"

Did he answer or not? On one hand, Quistis might be helpful in removing Olga from his lap, but on the other, he did not want Quistis to know he'd been assaulted in the men's room by a woman older than his mother. He was a SeeD, after all. He could get himself out of this, but it would mean he'd have to resort to violence.

Olga took advantage of his distraction and pressed her mouth against his. He was so stunned, he didn't know how to react. A second later, he felt her tongue, wet and slimy and tasting of cigarettes, dart between his lips. It was so disgustingly invasive, Zell was pretty sure some part of him died inside.

"Bleraggghh!" he cried and gave Olga a hard shove away from him. "Gross!"

Olga the Predator now had the dubious distinction of being Zell's first kiss, and that sucked so much, he wanted to lay down on the floor and die. He was so humiliated and disappointed and he really just wanted to go back to his dorm and never come out again. He felt oddly violated and dirty, and as Quistis slowly opened the door of the stall, Zell hid his face and pressed himself back into the corner, next to the toilet.

Olga rose to her feet casually and gave Quistis a cold, level stare, lit a cigarette and sauntered past her like nothing at all had happened. Quistis dropped down the moment the woman was gone and gently put her hand on Zell's knee. He flinched away, even though he knew Quistis meant nothing by it.

"Are you okay?"

"...no."

"Why don't I take you home?" she asked.

"I really wanna go kill something right now," Zell growled into his knees. "Preferably someone about 5'1", brown hair, green eyes and answers to the name of Selphie."

"We could go find some Bite Bugs," Quistis suggested.

"What are you even doing here, Quis?" Zell asked into his knees.

"Having dinner with Xu," she said. "But, I'm sure she'd understand if I left. Or, you can join us if you want."

Zell shook his head. He didn't feel like being sociable. He didn't feel like going anywhere at all. It was irrational and stupid, but he really just wanted to stay in the corner and hide. There was no way to save face in this situation. He didn't want to leave because it meant Selphie and Irvine would see him, and he didn't want them to know utterly humiliated he was.

Quistis took in Zell's half unbuttoned shirt and his disheveled hair and the blush of embarrassment that stained his cheeks. Zell could feel her pity and he hated it.

Gently, she took his hand and tugged him to his feet. He let himself be led to the sink, where Quistis wet a paper towel and wiped away the smudges of Olga's crimson lipstick from his cheek and mouth. He could still taste gin and cigarettes, so he bent over the sink and rinsed his mouth until that awful flavor was gone.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Quistis asked.

"No," he said. "I just want to go home."

"To your Ma's or to Garden?"

"Garden," he said. "Don't worry about it. I'll walk back."'

"I'll walk with you."

"You don't have to," he said. "You have plans."

Quistis reached out and did the buttons on his shirt and Zell felt his cheeks flame again. Being treated like a child rubbed him the wrong way, until he realized, Quistis wasn't mothering him. She was just being a friend.

"Xu will understand," Quistis said.

"Don't tell her about this."

"I won't tell a soul if you don't want me to."

Irvine poked his head in the door, and his eyes flicked to Zell warily. Zell's anger at the situation boiled over and he looked away from the taller man, afraid that if he said a word, Irvine would wind up with a black eye or a broken nose. Maybe he deserved that, maybe he didn't, but right now was not the time to figure that out.

Irvine did not take the hint. He stepped inside and closed the door, his expression contrite.

"I had no idea Selphie set you up with the old hag," Irvine said. He held up his hands, fingers spread to indicate his innocence. "If I'd known, I woulda told her it was a bad idea."

"...whatever," Zell muttered.

"You okay?" Irvine asked.

"Not really," Zell said.

"Are we cool?"

"No," Zell said. His hands balled into fists. "We're not."

"Irvine, you should probably go," Quistis said. "I'm going to take him home."

"Tell Selphie we're not friends anymore," Zell blurted out like a petulant child.

"It couldn't have been that bad-"

"It was," Zell said. "Now go away."

Outside, the night was cool, but not cold, and Zell set a steady pace through the streets of Balamb toward the road back to Garden. Quistis was silent at his side as they left the town behind. Zell didn't say anything, but he was secretly glad Quistis was there. It kept him from indulging in his more reckless impulses, which might have included going to the nearest bar, getting totally wrecked, then in a fight. Truth be told, a good fight would make him feel better, but that was an urge better suited for the training center instead of an actual person. He might accidentally kill someone, and Bite Bugs were not much of a challenge.

Halfway home, Quistis stumbled and let out a curse. Zell looked down at her feet as she slipped off a heel and rubbed her ankle.

"I knew better than to wear these shoes," she said. "This is why I hate heels. I always wind up wishing I'd brought a back up pair because they're not at all practical for anything."

"Yeah, but there's nothing sexier than a woman in heels," Zell said. "Even though I never understood how you girls can stand to wear them."

Quistis' lips pursed to hide her smile and she slipped the heels off her feet with a soft grunt of complaint.

"It's funny hearing you say that."

"What?" he asked, mildly offended. "I'm not a monk."

"I know," she said. "It's just a little like Squall talking about his feelings or something. You don't normally say things like that."

Zell frowned as Quistis rubbed her ankle and made a pained face.

"You're not going to walk home barefoot."

"It's better than winding up with blisters."

"I could give you a piggy back ride," Zell suggested.

"What?" Quistis asked with a laugh. "You can't carry me all the way back to Garden."

"The hell I can't," Zell said. "I can bench press two of you."

"I'm heavier than I look."

"And you know I'm stronger than I look," Zell said. "Besides, if Squall can carry Rinoa all the way to Esthar, I'm pretty sure I can haul you the rest of the way to Garden."

"I don't know..."

"Come on," Zell said. "Indulge me. I've had a shitty night, and it'll make me feel better to be the hero for a change."

Quistis' doubtful expression softened. "Well, when you put it that way."

Quistis was heavier than she looked, but not so much that Zell was too weighed down to continue on. Her arms were looped around his neck and her legs hooked over his arms. It was actually not a bad way to work out his frustrations and the physical exertion calmed his desire to kill something or someone.

"This is fun," Quistis said. "I haven't done this since I was a kid."

"You take care of me, I take care of you, Quis," he said. He cleared his throat and glanced up at her. "Thanks. For helping me out back there."

"What happened, anyway?" Quistis asked. "That woman wasn't your date, was she?"

"Apparently so," Zell said. "Selphie set us up."

Just the mention of Selphie's name got his blood boiling again. Why would she do this to him? Was it paybacks for yelling at her? Or was she really so blind that she really believed he would want to date someone like Olga?

"Selphie has good intentions," Quistis said. "Try not to be too upset with her. I know she meant well."

That was up for debate, but Zell didn't have the energy to discuss it and he really didn't want to think about it ever again.

"Yeah, well, there's a reason they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions," Zell said. "Now I'm gonna have to live with the worst first kiss in the history of the world."

Quistis fell silent but her grip on his shoulders tightened into a hug.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "When I saw you bolt, I should have followed you right away."

"It's all right," he said, even though he wasn't. "I could have dealt with it, but I really didn't want to punch an old lady, you know?"

"It's still not right," Quistis said. "She shouldn't have done that."

"Not your fault, Quis," he promised. "Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it. I just want to forget it ever happened."

They talked about other things for a while. Neither was the type to gossip about students or staff, but Quistis mentioned how strange Instructor Aki had been lately and Zell concurred.

"He acted like I was still 14 years old," Quistis said, "and a student."

"Yeah, he does that with me, too."

"You think he's cracking up?" Quistis asked. "One of his students complained to Squall that he started reading poetry out loud in the middle of Tactics."

"He reads it in the halls, too," Zell said. "I think the cheese slipped off the cracker."

"Maybe I should talk to Dr. Kadowaki," Quistis said. "Have her evaluate him."

Zell agreed. At the very least, the man needed a holiday or a sabbatical. Zell had grown used to the man's rants, but that didn't mean it was okay. Or that Aki was okay.

At the entrance to Garden, Zell set Quistis back on her feet. It was only then that he noticed the dress she wore was short and showed off her legs. His cheeks warmed and he looked away, ashamed for staring too long. It was weird to admire a girl who was, for all intents and purposes, a sister to him. He didn't want to think about her like that. Especially since the Trepies were so blatant about objectifying her. He didn't want to be that guy.

"Thanks for protecting my feet," Quistis said.

"Thanks for coming with me," he said.

Quistis looked at him speculatively for a moment before she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"Thanks for being a nice guy, Zell."

Zell cringed at the use of that word again. She meant it as a compliment, but after all was said and done, it still chafed him raw and made him want to do something no-so-nice for a change.

" _Nice_ got me molested in the men's room," Zell lamented. "Nice got me stuck in the friend-zone with all of you girls."

Quistis frowned and cocked her head at him. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Irvine says it's because I let you girls cry all over me," he said. "That I'm too nice, so I've become the platonic guy friend that no one wants to date."

"Oh, did he," Quistis said darkly. "You do realize that the friend-zone doesn't exist, right?"

"Huh?"

Quistis sighed and shifted her heels to one hand to the other.

"It's a way for guys like Irvine to excuse away or rationalize the fact that someone may not be attracted to him," Quistis said. "It makes her lack of attraction her fault, rather than him just accepting that she isn't interested."

"Huh," Zell said.

"Your first mistake was taking advice from Irvine about anything related to women," Quistis said. "He talks a good game, but when it comes down to it, he knows less than nothing."

"He sure seems like he does."

"Trust me," Quistis said. "He doesn't. Besides, would you even want to date any of us?"

"Well, not really," Zell frowned. "You guys are my friends."

"Then, you're not in that imaginary friend-zone with any of us," Quistis said. "What else did he tell you?"

"I dunno," Zell said, blushing. "Just some stuff about how girls like a guy who acts mysterious and treats them bad, because girls like that..."

Quistis shook her head and sighed. She ambled over to the low wall that surrounded a bed of flowers and tropical plants and sat down. Zell joined her after a moment and prepared himself for a lecture.

"Some girls do go for mysterious," Quistis said. "Some do allow themselves to be treated badly because they think that's how it's supposed to work."

"So he was right?" Zell asked, confused.

"I said some," Quistis said. "Books and movies and tv, they all teach women that the assholes of the world are just deep and sensitive and wounded and it's their job to save him from himself. And sometimes, that's true. But most of the time, an asshole is just an asshole."

Zell snorted in laughter at Quistis' use of foul language. It was out of character and sounded weird coming out of her mouth.

"You saying asshole is like me saying sexy," he teased.

"Touche," she said. "But jerk didn't feel like a strong enough word."

Zell contemplated her explanation for a minute before he spoke again.

"So, what is it that girls want?" he asked.

A small smile crossed Quistis' lips and she patted his hand.

"Honestly?" she said. "Most of us have no idea."

"That's not helpful."

"I can only tell you my perspective," Quistis said. "I'm sure Rinoa and Selphie have completely different ideas about what their ideal is, and I'm sure they'd both tell you they're with their ideal."

"That doesn't really help your case," Zell said.

"It doesn't," she agreed. "But, everyone is different. And, sometimes, what you think you want isn't what you really want, or what you really need."

Her tone was sad and Zell wondered if she was actually speaking of herself and not just in the abstract. Her eyes were fixed on something in the distance, and she chewed her bottom lip like she was trying to solve all the mysteries of the universe, rather than just the complexities of human relationships.

"You okay, Quis?" Zell asked.

"I'm fine," she said. "Just over-thinking."

"You still up for going to Ma's with me tomorrow?"

"Of course," she said with a smile. "I'm looking forward to it."

"You're Ma's favorite, you know," Zell said and elbowed her lightly in the ribs. "But don't tell the others."

"Promise, I won't," she said. She sobered and gave him that speculative look again. "You know, some day you're going to make some girl very, very happy, Don't ever doubt that. You have a lot to offer, so don't think you have to change to make yourself more attractive to others. You're fine, just the way you are."

Zell was suddenly moved to the point of tears and left speechless by her kind endorsement. All he could do was sit there and blink at her. After a really shitty night, it was exactly the thing he needed to hear and he couldn't express how much he appreciated it.

Quistis laughed softly as Zell swallowed back his almost-tears and she threw her arms around him to give him a tight, sisterly hug.

"What would I do without you, Quis?" he murmured into her shoulder.

"I suspect Selphie would be dead, Irvine would have been gravely injured by his own hat and you'd be in the middle of a drunken bar brawl," Quistis said.

Zell snorted. "You really do know me."


	5. Rumor

_**hannabanana223:** oh, wow, you're really cute!_

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Thanks! I love the picture of you snorkeling. Are you into watersports? _

_**Hannabanana223:** Yep! Water skiing, swimming, and I'm learning to scuba dive._

 _ **Hotdog0317:** No way! I love to scuba dive. Have you been down to the reefs yet? _

_**Hannabanana223:** I'm going next week. Really excited. I've heard it's beautiful down there._

Selphie had only seen pictures from the time Zell and Squall went, but it was really pretty, even though Squall said there were sharks and jellyfish and Selphie wasn't a fan of either.

Hanna seemed like a nice girl and from her profile, Selphie learned she had a lot in common with Zell. And, she was young and adorably cute, with a little upturned nose, freckles and bright green eyes like Selphie's. All her pictures were of her doing outdoor things with her dad. Selphie wasn't sure if that was cute or weird, but she looked like she was having fun in all of them. Best of all, Hannah had a bright, sunny smile and no one with a smile like that could be crazy.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** So what do you do for a living?_

 _ **Hannabanana223:** My family owns fishing boats. I help out in the office. You?_

 _ **Hotdog0317:** I'm a SeeD and an Instructor at Garden._

 _ **Hannabanana223** : Oh, wow! That's so cool. Do you have to wear the uniform and all?_

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Sometimes. Not for teaching and stuff, though._

 _ **Hannabanana223** : If you don't mind me saying, those uniforms are something else. _

Selphie giggled. Who didn't love a boy in uniform? Sometimes, she wished Irvine was an actual SeeD, so he would have to wear the uniform too, instead of the same leather duster day in and day out. She made a mental note to procure a uniform in Irvine's size so she could make him wear it at her discretion. Behind closed doors, of course.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** So, um, would you like to meet up some time? Buy you a hotdog and hang out on the beach?_

 _ **Hannabanana223** : I'd love that. Just tell me when._

Getting Zell to agree to another date was a problem. After the catastrophe with Olga, Selphie was on Zell's list of people he never wanted to speak to again, given his lack of response to any of the 57 texts she'd sent since the incident.

This one would require an assist from Rinoa, for sure. Zell still trusted her. They would have to combine their respective talents to pull it off.

 _ **Hotdog0317:** Let me check my schedule, and I'll get back to you? Pretty busy during the week, teaching and all, but I definitely want to meet up with you. _

_**Hannabanana223:** Looking forward to it._

Selphie logged off and leaned back in her chair as she scrolled through Hanna's pictures one more time. There was no sign the girl was actually an aging alcoholic chain-smoker, so that was a plus.

Maybe, just maybe, adorable little Hannabanana223 was Zell's unicorn.

Now, to plan their first meeting and initiate phase two of Selphie's plan.

Behold, the power of _rumor._

* * *

Zell barely woke in time to shower, change and meet up with Quistis. He hastily packed a bag for the beach later, and for Ma's brunch, he chose khaki shorts and a short sleeve plaid button down shirt Ma had given him for his birthday. It wasn't his favorite, but it would make Ma happy to see him in something she'd picked out instead of a hoodie and jean shorts.

Quistis was already in the hall when Zell swung by her room to get her. He was momentarily surprised by her outfit, but not at all displeased. Her hair was down for a change, and she wore a pretty peach sun dress with little flowers on it and a thin white cardigan. Her feet were clad in dressy sandals. Zell had never seen her dress her age before, but she looked like a girl in her late teens, rather than a prim and proper schoolmarm.

"You look nice," he said.

"Thanks," she said. "It's not too much, is it?"

"Not at all," he said. "You packed stuff for the beach later, right?"

"Of course," she said. "I packed a few snacks, too, and some water."

That was Quistis. Always prepared. Zell wouldn't have expected anything less.

In the car, Quistis rolled down the window and put on a pair of big, movie star sunglasses that made Zell laugh because they were so out of character. They looked good, but not at all Quistis' style.

"Rinoa picked them out," Quistis admitted. "I've been to busy to have an excuse to wear them."

"You should make more time for yourself, Quis," Zell said. "You work too hard."

"Hmm. Work's a good distraction."

"From what?" he wondered.

"From the fact that there's not much else going on in my life _besides_ work."

"Maybe if you didn't work so much, you'd have more going on."

"Maybe you're right," she said.

"Sometimes, you gotta shake things up," Zell said. "So that it doesn't become this cycle of boredom you can't get out of."

As he said it, he realized that he was stuck in the same kind of rut. Ever since he'd become an instructor, things had gotten a little same old, same old. It wasn't like he missed the missions, but at the same time, he craved a change of scenery every now and then. He'd spent most of his life in Balamb, but between the war and time compression, the only place he hadn't been was space. His mind was opened to other things, and though he had no desire to live somewhere else and Balamb would aways be home, it felt small and a little suffocating these days.

"It is nice to get out," she agreed. "During the day. While the sun's out."

"We should make it a regular thing," Zell said. "Operation: Pry Quistis Out Of Her Office And Make Her Do Stuff."

"I honestly like the sound of that," she said. "They say it's lonely at the top. They're not wrong."

Zell cast a glance over at his friend. Sometimes, he forgot she was probably the most attractive girl at Garden. Her other virtues were hard to forget – her intelligence, her experience, those things Zell was always aware of, but it was rare that he really took notice of how pretty she was.

And he wondered why that never really mattered to him. Maybe because he knew her instead of worshiping her from afar like the Trepies. Maybe because she was his friend, and like a sister.

"It's not like I'm looking to date or anything," she said. "I'm too wrapped up in the job to make it a priority, but at the same time... If work is all there is, what's the point?"

"Which is why, from now on I, Zell Dincht, will make it a priority to ensure you, Quistis Trepe goes out and has some fun every now and then," he said.

"...you're really sweet, Zell."

Zell smiled sadly at the windshield and shrugged. Sweet. That was just as bad as _nice_.

"Are you okay?" Quistis asked. "Did I upset you?"

"Naw, it's fine."

But maybe, it really wasn't.

He parked on the street outside his Ma's place and let himself in. The smell of fresh baked bread and something citrus greeted him as he ushered Quistis inside. None of his Ma's friends had arrived yet, but the counter was full of all kinds of delicious things that made Zell's mouth water. Ma was curiously absent from the kitchen.

"Ma! We're here!" he announced.

Ma popped her head out of the den and smiled but it broadened into a full-on grin when she saw Quistis beside him.

"Quistis!" Ma cried. "I haven't seen you in months. Come give me a hug."

Zell smiled to himself as Quistis was enfolded in his Ma's embrace. Ma treated all his friends like they were her kids. Quistis was no exception, though Ma had made it clear Quistis was her favorite. Zell figured that was because Quistis acted like an adult and could hold a conversation on nearly every subject under the sun.

"You look very pretty today, dear," Ma said. "This color looks wonderful on you."

"Thank you," Quistis said, almost shyly. "It's not too revealing, is it?"

"Of course not," Ma said. "If I had legs like that, I'd flaunt them too."

"Ma!" Zell scolded.

Ma gave him a wry smile and took Quistis by the elbow and guided her toward the kitchen.

"Can I get you a mimosa, dear? Or some tea?"

"Tea would be fine," Quistis said.

"Have a mimosa," Ma said. "I'm sure you've earned it."

Things were fine, if not boring for a while. Zell made small talk with his Ma's friends, who all really liked to pinch his cheeks like he was a four-year-old and not a grown man, and he repeatedly explained that, _no_ , Quistis wasn't his girlfriend, and _yes_ , he knew she was very pretty.

Ma introduced him to the neighbor's niece or whatever she was, and Zell made small talk with her, too. Her name was Nicola and she was just visiting, but planned to move to Balamb in a few months. She was nice enough, but not a great conversationalist, they didn't have much in common, and she was exceptionally intimidated by Quistis.

Then, Olga showed up, and Zell's stomach twisted in fear, disgust, and absolute loathing. He cursed under his breath as she spied him and sauntered over, wearing the same awful slip dress as the night before. The odor of cigarette smoke wafted off her like she'd sat in a small room and hot-boxed four or five packs before her arrival.

"Well, well," she said and breathed smoke all over him. "I knew you'd be back for more."

Zell balled his fists, horrified. "More of what?"

"I could tell you had a thing for me," she said. "Why don't you meet me in the restroom in five and we'll pick up where we left off?"

Zell's face flamed, the tops of his hears burned and he very nearly knocked her down in total disgust. As if he had any interest in continuing whatever the hell that was the night before. Quistis' hand wrapped around his bicep and pulled him back before he did anything stupid, but he was fuming.

"You can join us if you like, sweetheart," Olga said to Quistis. "I'll rock both your worlds."

Zell actually gagged. He pressed a hand to his mouth and fled the room before he barfed all over his Ma's favorite rug. He found his way into the small back garden, where Seifer the chicken pecked happily at the grass. He lifted his fist and punched the wall beside the back door, and sneered at the blood on his knuckles.

Quistis stepped out, frowning with worry. She took hold of his wrist and healed it without asking, but if Zell had his way, he would just leave it like that. Physical pain was a great distraction from the other things going on inside his head.

"Stupid Selphie," he grunted as he sat down on the concrete bench next to his Ma's prized tomato plants.

Quistis sat beside him without saying anything for a while, then dropped an arm around his shoulders and side hugged him.

"I'm sorry she did that to you," Quistis said. "I'm sorry about both of them actually."

"I don't know what Selphie was thinking. You saw that woman! Why in Ifrit's name would she ever think I'd date someone like that."

"Selphie sees the world differently than the rest of us," Quistis said. "That's all I can say in her defense."

"You think the sky in her world is bright yellow and full of glitter?" Zell asked. "Because sometimes, I really wonder..."

Quistis giggled and lifted a hand to her lips to hide her smile. Zell pulled her hand away and shook his head.

"Stop doing that," he said. "I hate it when you do that."

"Why?"

"Because," he said. "You have a great smile. You should... _not_ hide it."

Quistis blushed prettily but looked away and folded her hands in her lap.

"Thanks," she said. "That's sweet of you to say."

"Don't tell me I'm sweet, okay?" he said. "I'm kinda over being called nice and sweet and all that stuff."

"You'd rather be an asshole?" Quistis asked.

"Seems like they get all the girls," he said with a sigh. He looked up at Quistis. "You wanna get out of here? Before I actually do hit her?"

* * *

Selphie pondered what sort of rumor to start about Zell as she and Irvine strolled along the boardwalk in Balamb. It had to be good enough that it would spread, but not so scandalous it would get him in trouble with Squall. Zell was an instructor, after all. She also needed to figure out a way to set him up with Hanna without it looking like a set up or a blind date.

Convinced Hanna was the girl for Zell, Selphie began to picture a whirlwind romance between the two. Candlelit dinners, heartfelt confessions of feelings. She imagined Zell would ask her to help pick out an engagement ring, and they would shop for it together and pick out the perfect princess-cut diamond. Then, Selphie would plan an extravagant wedding with a three-tiered wedding cake with lemon curd filling and tons of balloons and fun party favors the guests could keep forever. Hanna would look beautiful and angelic in her wedding gown, with it's long train of lace and layered veil, and Zell would cry because she stole his breath away.

It was so perfect.

She sighed and linked her arm through Irvine's and wondered if he would ever ask her to meet him at the altar.

But first things first. Zell needed her attention. Then, she would deal with her own situation.

As they approached the pathway down to the public beach, Selphie noticed someone was having a party. Interest piqued, she tugged Irvine along, even though cowboy boots and sand didn't go together so well, and flounced down the steps to the small landing just past the dunes.

Her jaw dropped when she saw Zell and Quistis on a beach blanket together and Zell rubbing lotion on Quistis' back. The wheels in her head started to spin as the perfect opportunity presented itself. She whipped out her phone and snapped a few pictures of Zell's hands on Quistis' hips as he massaged the lotion in.

"Isn't that Quistis and Zell?" Irvine said. "Hot damn, check out that bikini."

Selphie elbowed him in the ribs and fixed him with a glare.

"Why don't you go get us some ice cream?" she said. "And cool off a little."

Eyes still on Quistis and her tiny red bikini, Irvine nodded. "Sure, babe."

"Irvine?"

"Sounds good," he agreed.

Selphie lifted a fist and punched him in the shoulder.

"That's Quistis! She's practically your sister, you pervert!" Selphie shrieked.

"Do you have to hit me so hard?"

"If she caught you standing there staring like some love-struck Trepie, she'd do a lot worse you know," Selphie said hotly. "Go get us some ice cream. Now. And take a minute to think about why we don't stare at our female friends like we're gross old men!"

Shamefaced, Irvine tipped his hat in apology. "What flavor do you want?"

"Surprise me," she said.

"Last time you said that, you screamed at me for three hours about how much you hate butter pecan," Irvine said.

"You should have _known_ I hate butter pecan! It's not like it was a secret!"

Irvine muttered something under his breath and Selphie narrowed her eyes at him.

"What was that?"

"Chocolate cherry okay?" he asked.

"Fine, just go," she snapped and returned her attention to the pair on the beach.

Zell was finished with the enviable task of smearing suntan lotion all over Garden's hottest lady and they sat shoulder to shoulder on the blanket, chatting. Selphie snapped a picture and then got all giddy and excited when Zell dropped an arm around Quistis' shoulders.

She scrolled through the photos and picked out the most suggestive of them. Then, she logged onto TrepieWatch, a tabloid-like site run by Quistis' fan club, and uploaded the pictures anonymously with the caption:

Trepe/Dincht Secret Steamy Illicit Affair, Caught on Camera!

It was perfect.

Quistis was so far out of Zell's league that being implicated in a out-of-bounds romance with the coveted former instructor would surely garner Zell some interest. After all, being associated romantically with someone hot made the less hot person even hotter. How else to explain why all those cadets thought Irvy was the bee's knees?

She giggled as the hit count on the photos climbed before her eyes.

The Trepies were going _nuts._

This was _perfect._

* * *

When Zell returned to Garden late afternoon, people who never spoke to Zell were greeting him in the hallway. He got high-fives from random SeeDs and sunny smiles from girls who never looked at him twice, SeeDs and Cadets alike.

It was so _weird._

He put off returning library books for days because he didn't want to face Angie after her rejection, but if he waited until her day off, they would be overdue. He sucked it up, collected them from his room and made his way to the library, unaware of the small gaggle of angry Trepies following a few paces behind.

It was his unfortunate luck that Angie was working the desk, and he greeted her formally as he slid the books across the counter and tried not to feel the sting of her game all over again. She peered at him with sad puppy eyes as she checked the books back in one at a time.

"So you and Quistis are going to the social?" she finally said.

Zell just shrugged. He didn't know how she knew about that, since they hadn't really told anyone, but it wasn't really a secret, either.

"She's very pretty," Angie said.

"Sure," Zell agreed.

"I'm sure you guys will have fun together," she said sullenly. "I'll be going by myself, since it's too late to find a date..."

Zell hummed in sympathy, but he didn't have any for her. She missed her chance to go with him, and that was her own fault for trying to trade up.

"Tough break," he said and took his library card back. "See ya 'round."

When he returned to the hall, the group of Trepies stood shoulder to shoulder, a wall of unhealthy obsession intent on ruining his day.

"Yo, move it," Zell barked, "you're blocking traffic."

There were disgruntled grumblings among them.

"You better not do anything untoward to Instructor Trepe," the tallest of them, a young man in a SeeD uniform said. "We're warning you..."

"What?"

"We saw you!" a younger boy said. "We have photo proof!"

"Okay..." Zell said and wondered what the hell this was all about. "Of what?"

"Getting all touchy feely! You better keep your hands to yourself!"

What little patience Zell had left was wearing thin. He cocked his head at them and scowled.

"Yeah? Or what?" Zell snapped. "You'll fight me?"

"Worse."

Zell had enough. He lifted his fists and stared at them in challenge.

"Fine. Who wants to go first?"

They all stared back, wide eyed and confused.

"Come on. Let's get this over with," he said. "You want a fight, I'll give you one."

A girl in plain clothes launched herself at Zell and tackled him to the floor, screeching like she'd had personal lessons from Selphie. He hit the floor hard and was too shocked to retaliate or restrain. She grabbed a fist full of Zell's hair as the others dogpiled on him and Zell was pinned to the floor by the collective mass of Trepe mania and their burning desire to maim him for daring to rub Quistis down with suntan lotion.

Hands seized him under the armpits and dragged him out of the pile. He kicked and screamed and fought until a hand clamped over his mouth and he was lifted to his feet.

"Shut up, or they'll realize they're not fighting you anymore, stupid," Seifer hissed in his ear. "Walk away slowly and they won't spot you."

Zell nodded and Seifer let go of his mouth, and he backed away from the scene, where the Trepies were now fighting each other, unaware that Zell was gone. Beside him, Seifer did the same, but he grinned from ear to ear when a female Trepe with braids popped up like a gopher from a hole, looked around and spied them.

"He's getting away!"

"Oh, shit," Zell mumbled.

"I'd start running if I were you," Seifer said.

And that's exactly what Zell did.

* * *

Notes: It's been a while since I updated this one... Sorry. Working on several different things at once, including an alternate slash version of this over on AO3. Basically, there were two different pairings I liked for this ridiculousness, but I couldn't decide which to do. So I wrote both and held off on updating this one until events lined up well enough that there were not too many spoilers about what's to come if you're reading both.

Thanks so much for reading!


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